You can post your comments or thoughts here about Assistance in Atlanta. I'll update the story as I make progress and get more done.
Edited By XP20Warrior on 1107279657
Assistance in Atlanta - Post story comments here.
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XP20Warrior
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Good start! Admittedly, I only skimmed over it at the moment since I'm at work 
, but will re-read again later today. I'll await its completion before pushing it into the Fan Stories section of iSoaker.com, though. Keep it going!
, but will re-read again later today. I'll await its completion before pushing it into the Fan Stories section of iSoaker.com, though. Keep it going!:: Leave NO one dry! :: iSoaker.com .:
Re:First post
This'll be detailed...
Interesting. Much more descriptive than most war stories, I look forward to some battle scenes. One of the major pitfalls of most war-story writers is melodrama (one small example of this is taking your 500 out from under your pillow), especially in battle scenes. I'm hoping you'll avoid that, this story's already too good to take itself too seriously.
An explanation of how you can drive would be nice. Most people (even here) assume those using soakers aren't old enough to drive, so some explanation of age (worked into the story) would help the credibility.
Making lists of the soakers you're taking is an oft-overused staple of most soaker stories. While it helps establish a base for further actions in the story, it's corny when the flow of the story is interupted for a might-as-well-be-outlined-and-bulleted listed of soakers you're taking. At the same time, you don't want a "magic bag" to pull an endless supply of guns from. If you can fit them into a paragraph or piece of dialogue, that'd be great.
My advice:Write what YOU would do in the exact same situation. Put yourself in the story, with the action happening around you, and play it out naturally.
Keep up the good work! I look forward to the next installment.
Adrian
Edited By Adrian on 1107368984
This'll be detailed...
Interesting. Much more descriptive than most war stories, I look forward to some battle scenes. One of the major pitfalls of most war-story writers is melodrama (one small example of this is taking your 500 out from under your pillow), especially in battle scenes. I'm hoping you'll avoid that, this story's already too good to take itself too seriously.
An explanation of how you can drive would be nice. Most people (even here) assume those using soakers aren't old enough to drive, so some explanation of age (worked into the story) would help the credibility.
Making lists of the soakers you're taking is an oft-overused staple of most soaker stories. While it helps establish a base for further actions in the story, it's corny when the flow of the story is interupted for a might-as-well-be-outlined-and-bulleted listed of soakers you're taking. At the same time, you don't want a "magic bag" to pull an endless supply of guns from. If you can fit them into a paragraph or piece of dialogue, that'd be great.
My advice:Write what YOU would do in the exact same situation. Put yourself in the story, with the action happening around you, and play it out naturally.
Keep up the good work! I look forward to the next installment.
Adrian
Edited By Adrian on 1107368984
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:38 pm
- Location: Parrottsville, TN
- Contact:
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XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:38 pm
- Location: Parrottsville, TN
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Again, this'll be detailed.
You've covered about 6 hours between sections, which isn't the greatest thing to do 2 entries into the story, it kinda feels like you've dropped a big chunk of the story esp. when you're going hour by hour. But then again, I'm not the one writing, so you may have something planned.
A flashback maybe?
More info on getting your team members on board would've been good. Despite the descriptions of them, we still know next to nothing about any of them. Again, this'll hopefully be remedied later. The skinny sarcastic neighbor feels like he's being set up to either be an annoyance or a hero. Hopefully the latter, playing with standard conventions is good.
I liked the banter about food and your analyzing your driving skills. Added some realism and made the characters seem human.
Hopefully the next part will come out sooner than this one did! Keep up the good work,
Adrian
Edited By Adrian on 1111604147
You've covered about 6 hours between sections, which isn't the greatest thing to do 2 entries into the story, it kinda feels like you've dropped a big chunk of the story esp. when you're going hour by hour. But then again, I'm not the one writing, so you may have something planned.
A flashback maybe?More info on getting your team members on board would've been good. Despite the descriptions of them, we still know next to nothing about any of them. Again, this'll hopefully be remedied later. The skinny sarcastic neighbor feels like he's being set up to either be an annoyance or a hero. Hopefully the latter, playing with standard conventions is good.
I liked the banter about food and your analyzing your driving skills. Added some realism and made the characters seem human.
Hopefully the next part will come out sooner than this one did! Keep up the good work,
Adrian
Edited By Adrian on 1111604147
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:38 pm
- Location: Parrottsville, TN
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Again, lots of details...
First off, a little aside - you posted the 8:47 section twice in the same post. Also, the section you posted last time has disappeared I think. And there are some minor punctuation problems but nothing major.
Well done so far. The characters are well written, and though some of the events so far seem to have very little bearing on the rest of the story besides being background (IMO), everything's interesting. Another little aside - stories are way more interesting when all the scenes are relevant. I'm not complaining - you've done a great job so far, and I can't read your mind as to what you're planning, but stopping at the gas station didn't do tons for the story. It was an ok, possibly good addition as it advanced the characters and was well written but IMO you should try to stay away from superfluous (love that word!) scenes.
The characters are quite interesting. I'm hoping you go against their stereotypes - the guy from the UK is the exact opposite of the stiff, formal British stereotype, the sarcastic kid is...I don't know...his personality is just a total left turn from what you'd expect... That'd be awesome. But ultimately, write what you want the way you want it. Don't just take my word for it.
Keep up the good work!
Adrian
PS I may write more once I've had a chance to reread what you've written a few more times.
First off, a little aside - you posted the 8:47 section twice in the same post. Also, the section you posted last time has disappeared I think. And there are some minor punctuation problems but nothing major.
Well done so far. The characters are well written, and though some of the events so far seem to have very little bearing on the rest of the story besides being background (IMO), everything's interesting. Another little aside - stories are way more interesting when all the scenes are relevant. I'm not complaining - you've done a great job so far, and I can't read your mind as to what you're planning, but stopping at the gas station didn't do tons for the story. It was an ok, possibly good addition as it advanced the characters and was well written but IMO you should try to stay away from superfluous (love that word!) scenes.
The characters are quite interesting. I'm hoping you go against their stereotypes - the guy from the UK is the exact opposite of the stiff, formal British stereotype, the sarcastic kid is...I don't know...his personality is just a total left turn from what you'd expect... That'd be awesome. But ultimately, write what you want the way you want it. Don't just take my word for it.
Keep up the good work!
Adrian
PS I may write more once I've had a chance to reread what you've written a few more times.
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
You still working on this, or did soakerdom lose an awesome story?
Adrian
Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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XP20Warrior
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supersoaker
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XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
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XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
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I had a major installment in now, including a small starting skirmish that starts the war. What do you think so far?
"Although it is a beautiful place among the stars, danger lurks in the shadows. That's what Alliance Command's for."
-Captain Ivan Reilly
IGA Intrepid
Closing Speeches After the Xidian Wars
-Captain Ivan Reilly
IGA Intrepid
Closing Speeches After the Xidian Wars
This will be detailed (somewhat).
I like the fight. Without any other description to go by, I'm visualizing it taking place at the threshold of a garage, and I like seeing (in my mind) people having to deal with fighting in open, close, quarters. That sort of fight is a heck of a lot of fun. Given that this is written in first person, I'd like to see it more through the main character's eyes though, thoughts, more detailed actions, that sort of thing.
The guy the main character was dealing with was acting like a jerk. I hope this will be explained, with a reason beyond needing an antagonist. Yeah, I did something similar with Alan Caine, but there's more going on with him than meets the eye.
Parental involvment would be nice too. Can't see too many parents turning their garage over to a bunch of teens for an indefinite period of time for a base. Most would worry about property damage, how it'll get cleaned up, etc. A little more explanation would be good.
Lastly, what's up with using a Storm 500? ??? Now I know this is a fiction story, a 500 WORKS! LOL Just kidding, I've just never gotten one to work.
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading the next installment.
Adrian
PS Do you have a plan for this story, or are you writing it as it comes to you?
I like the fight. Without any other description to go by, I'm visualizing it taking place at the threshold of a garage, and I like seeing (in my mind) people having to deal with fighting in open, close, quarters. That sort of fight is a heck of a lot of fun. Given that this is written in first person, I'd like to see it more through the main character's eyes though, thoughts, more detailed actions, that sort of thing.
The guy the main character was dealing with was acting like a jerk. I hope this will be explained, with a reason beyond needing an antagonist. Yeah, I did something similar with Alan Caine, but there's more going on with him than meets the eye.
Parental involvment would be nice too. Can't see too many parents turning their garage over to a bunch of teens for an indefinite period of time for a base. Most would worry about property damage, how it'll get cleaned up, etc. A little more explanation would be good.
Lastly, what's up with using a Storm 500? ??? Now I know this is a fiction story, a 500 WORKS! LOL Just kidding, I've just never gotten one to work.
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading the next installment.
Adrian
PS Do you have a plan for this story, or are you writing it as it comes to you?
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
-
XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:38 pm
- Location: Parrottsville, TN
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It did take on the threshold of the garage, and moved to the end of the street. Maybe I can see how to switch views to different characters in the story, but my format was similar to your Story II.
He is, and there is a logical explanation. I'll get to that sometime...
Okay, I'll think about that. We're only renting the garage for the weekend, lol.
I've gotten them to work. I think its the way that you take care of them, or you got the batch of defective models. My brother has one that doesn't work, but I have two that work perfectly fine for now, one being submerged several times in aquatic operations.
Thanks, I'm typing another part right now.
I do have a major plan, yes. The outline is somewhere under my bed, but its all up here in my noggin.
He is, and there is a logical explanation. I'll get to that sometime...
Okay, I'll think about that. We're only renting the garage for the weekend, lol.
I've gotten them to work. I think its the way that you take care of them, or you got the batch of defective models. My brother has one that doesn't work, but I have two that work perfectly fine for now, one being submerged several times in aquatic operations.
Thanks, I'm typing another part right now.
I do have a major plan, yes. The outline is somewhere under my bed, but its all up here in my noggin.
"Although it is a beautiful place among the stars, danger lurks in the shadows. That's what Alliance Command's for."
-Captain Ivan Reilly
IGA Intrepid
Closing Speeches After the Xidian Wars
-Captain Ivan Reilly
IGA Intrepid
Closing Speeches After the Xidian Wars
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XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:38 pm
- Location: Parrottsville, TN
- Contact:
I've been busy a little bit here, but I'll have story maybe by tomorrow or Wednesday. Sorry I haven't been here frequently.
"Although it is a beautiful place among the stars, danger lurks in the shadows. That's what Alliance Command's for."
-Captain Ivan Reilly
IGA Intrepid
Closing Speeches After the Xidian Wars
-Captain Ivan Reilly
IGA Intrepid
Closing Speeches After the Xidian Wars
XP20Warrior wrote:I've been busy a little bit here, but I'll have story maybe by tomorrow or Wednesday. Sorry I haven't been here frequently.
While I enjoy reading your story, you don't need to apologize for not being here that frequently. Real life takes up a good chunk of time, too! Just looking forward to what you can push up when you can push it up.
:: Leave NO one dry! :: iSoaker.com .:
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