another story

[CPS]

how about a story about super soakers and aliens, i have written the first bit here it is


“Abandon ship!” captain smith yelled over the p.a. sytem of the militay cargo ship “ what about the cargo?” a sailor asked the captain “blow up the ship when we’ve all left”

my name is hayden parker and I am 14 years old the year is 2006 little did I knowsomething was about to go seriously wrong. I live in canberra Australia I am an idividual who uses super soakers to have water fights with my friends. I run a website called something else soakers which has reviews on all my soakers which are:

maxd 2000
maxd 6000
cps 1200
cps 2000
cps 2500
monster
monster xl
cps 1500
sc power pak
sc 500
sc 600
cps 3000
xp 110
xp 275
xp 300
xp 270
it was a beautiful day in canberra, I just finished a water fight with Rick powers, Joel garner, and jack jonson, my best friends we all had our own weapons.
rikks weapons were:
xp 40
xp 300
and a cps 1500
joel’s weapons were
a cps 2500
and a sc triple charger
jack’s weapons were:
a monster x
a sc big trouble
a cps 1200
and a cps 1700

we went inside joels house dried our selves off then sat on the couch in joels house we flicked the channels until we flicked past a reporter saying “aliens” I quickly said “go back to that channel so joel flicked the remote back to ten the reporter was talking about 14 alien sightings in asia and that the government was saying it was probably a hoaxes performed by a ring of people who are trying to make the world belive in aliens. “this is boring” said joel, “im changing the channel” just before he changed it the reporter said “here is a witness description of the being” “wait!” I said to joel the witness said “ it was a big black person I saw while I was hiking in the bush at night, I yelled “hey are you lost?” he didn’t say any thing, I went over to him and before I could say anything I noticed he wasn’t human he swung his arm at me and I ducked then I punched it, it was like punching a suit of ash, my hand just sunk right into the creature. After my hand sunk in a little bit it hit something buning inside the creature, after I removed my handthere was a glowing spot were I hit the creature, then it started to hug me like it was friendly. it was suffocating me ,suddenly the bottle of water in my pocket started leaking under the pressure and some water started spilled on the creature the skin of the being absorbed it. after a couple of seconds I started to here a small sizzling sound and the creature let go of me and ran into the darkness of the night. I haven’t seen it since.”


what do you think of this bit of the story?

[Veteran]

Not bad, but it sorta belongs in general community with the RP IMO.

[cooldood31]

I think aliens and waterwar stories don't mix.



Edited By cooldood31 on 1091381613

[Adrian]

Sorry dude. Too fantastic. Take a look at Wetmonkey's story. Its got a little fantasy element with the new water tech and all those guns. But aliens? C'mon. You and your arsenal are NOT going to save the world.

Plus your punctuation, capitalization, and grammar, are not of uh, the highest possible caliber.

Adrian

PS:Why does everyone who writes a war story have huge epic battles and fantastic story lines and technology? I'd think small, squad-based combat would be much more engaging. Might have to try my hand at this....

[Space_Cowboy]

PS:Why does everyone who writes a war story have huge epic battles and fantastic story lines and technology? I'd think small, squad-based combat would be much more engaging. Might have to try my hand at this....

You took the words right out of my mouth.

When I think of an epic battle, soakers don't seem to be the first thing to spring into my head. A small, squad-based story sounds much more interesting. By all means, I encourage that kind of a story.




Edited By Space_Cowboy on 1091417776

[CPS]

Sorry dude. Too fantastic. Take a look at Wetmonkey's story. Its got a little fantasy element with the new water tech and all those guns. But aliens? C'mon. You and your arsenal are NOT going to save the world.

not like I save the world, in the end canberra is the last ones the aliens try to conquer, so the millitary builds machine things like thee ones in the third matrix except they shoot water, also i will fix grammer punctuation
and spelling when i finish it. lots of books are based on fantasy concepts, take harry potter for example

[Falcon]

Why does everyone who writes a war story have huge epic battles and fantastic story lines and technology? I'd think small, squad-based combat would be much more engaging. Might have to try my hand at this....

Well, personally, I'd love to actually be involved in an epic battle type war. But since I'll never be able to organise one with hundreds per team, I'd better stop dreaming.

As for stories, I think ten to fifteen elite, highly skilled and specially trained warriors fighting for their land, their tree forts and their reputation against about 50 or more unskilled, off the street type warriors would be interesting to read about. The enemy (the unskilled side) would be very rich (and thus have a lot of money to spend on soakers) and would live on the opposite side of the valley from the skilled team, and their leader would want to do everything he could to conquer the skilled team's land. He would desperately grab anyone who would be willing to join from his area and school, and then hand out weapons to them. The skilled team would have to organise and co-ordinate his men and lead them to victory, and build fortifications and barricades that could survive barrages of 50 water balloons per second. This would have a number of large battles, and each time the enemy would have a new surprise or two up it's sleeve. So the battles are quite large, but are of a smaller scale than wetmonkey's story. I think a story like that would be an interesting read.



Edited By Falcon on 1091439759