New Story - Feedback

[wetmonkey442]

Okay guys this is where you can post feedback to my new story. quite frankly I don't think I'm going to be able to finish the UWS, and my reputation as the water war communities Grand Story Master has been threatened by Adrian's fantastic and addicting Story II. So here's my peice of competition.

WARNING: This is the sequel to the UWS. The UWS is a never ending project and I don't believe it will ever be finished. Therefore I'm starting this. This gives away the ending to the UWS. Don't read if you don't want the ending spoiled. However if you're waiting for the ending to the UWS, you might be waiting awhile.

[Adrian]

...and my reputation as the water war communities Grand Story Master has been threatened by Adrian's fantastic and addicting Story II. So here's my peice of competition.

You are too kind.

This'll be detailed...

The beginning sequence is quite good. Descriptive without hitting you over the head with detail, lots of cool metaphors/analogy type stuff. Wouldn't recommend doing that TOO often, but it works great occasionally. Not knowing the dream makes it feel like something was cut from the story, but I have a feeling we'll be hearing about it again. Just try not to make it TOO fantastic (dream sequences pertaining to the real world are overused in fiction).

I liked hearing about how the team broke up. The line about getting as far away as possible and still staying on North America was kind of funny. This story seems more character driven than UWS, which is good. It's all about the characters. Without 'em, you don't have a story. Fortunately, you've got a couple good characters to work with. I'm especially looking forward to hearing more about Aadit and that situation. The breakup of your team should provide some interesting writing material.

Like SO commented in the story thread, I'm a little unclear on the events surrounding the end of the last war, so a little clarification (in the story) would be awesome.

One little thing bugged me - describing your wardrobe in that much detail. I'm reading about the shirt with the orange stripe up the middle and I'm thinking "what the heck?"

If I may give some advice (you don't need to take it, please, write what YOU want), keep the focus on the characters. A story about a water war is fun, an involved story about a water war is corny, but a story about people where the war is a backdrop is memorably good.

Keep up the good work!

Adrian

Edit:I'd like to comment that this story seems much more polished than UWS. Much cleaner, style-wise.



Edited By Adrian on 1115568085

[wetmonkey442]

UWS will always be my createst creation IMHO, however I'm looking to elevate my level of writing skill a bit.

On the end of the UWS: a lot hasn't been explained yet. You'll figure out later what I mean when i keep referring to"what happened last year".

Thanks for the kind words.

EDIT: Pertaining to your advice on keeping the focus on the characters, I am kind of aiming to make this a more...people friendly story while still retaining some great battle writing from the UWS.



Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1115577449

[wetmonkey442]

New installement

I'll try to add something new every other day or so. only time will tell if i can keep up with that schedule.

[Adrian]

Yet another detailed report...

I'm really digging the descriptiveness, but at times it's a little too much. Thankfully, you avoided bulleting and numbering syndrome when listing your arsenal... Good job.

Not too sure what the significance of devoting that much time to building a homemade is, though I'm sure we'll find out. For the amount of "airtime" it got, the purpose of that section was given notoriously little play. Still, the quality of the writing and the dialogue redeemed it from "there for the sake of it" status.

It was cool that you hardly used any names in the phone conversation, practically dropped us into it, then gave it relevance in the next section. The storyline with Aadit intrigues me despite the fact that it hasn't been gone into much - I'm a fan tortured characters, I admit it. I'm just hoping that his withdrawal has a realistic cause. Losing a waterfight would be an extreme letdown.

The dreams are the weak link in the story. Twice they've appeared and besides providing a paragraph or two of material (yet strangely very little relevant content) they don't seem to be advancing the plot. Maybe they will down the road, I don't know...which brings me to my next point...

Do you have an ending in mind for this? I'm just curious, I always begin with the end in mind, right down to some of the dialogue, and I wonder if you do the same.

Keep up the good work!

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

I never know the end to my stories whenever I write them. If I think of an ending to a story I am limiting myself severly in the way I write the rest. It's probably different for you, but that's the way I write. The UWS, this story and every single other fictional story I have written has begun with me just typing in some introduction in Word because I was bored. In fact I didn't even thinking of making the new story before I started making it.

The dream sequences are not as important as you think. However it's just my way to write something that keeps happening. It helps to keep a rythm in the story and provides a familiar routine that the reader can associate with. I know, in my life, there are certain things that happen daily. This certain dream is relevant but is no futuristic prediction. Just something to keep the story going.

The homemade: Not that important, but still vital. I wrote it detailed because I like homemades, frankly.

On the side- I try not to make anything too vital or important to the story. I know that in real life many thins play a simliar role of importance in keeping things going. having just one Rambo like character or one total destruction weapon really kills the story IMO, and I tend to make things important, but not too important.


Thanks for the kind words. Next installment will probably be sometime tonight or tommorrow.

[wetmonkey442]

@Adrian:

You're a very good writer, so I want your honest opinion on this next bit:

I'm a bit hesitant on including this in the story. I think it's good, however I can see how some people might not agree with it. It does provide a nice linkup to the next little section:


Section Deleted



Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1115756885

[Adrian]

Honest opinion... My honest opinion is that it's over the top melodrama. Sorry. Maybe I've been too limited in my soaking, but I've never had that type of transcendent experience in connection with water warfare. That section sort of sets a precedent for the whole story to take itself way too seriously.

It's one thing to write like that for, say, a Star Wars book. It's quite another to write that way for an online water warfare fanfic.

Again, sorry.

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

No problem. I was getting ready to delete it myself.

Soak On.

[Adrian]

Detailed again...

*claps* Excellent! Liked everything about it. The resolution of the scrapped transcendant experience sequence (STES) was good, as was the treehouse bit.

Given that there wasn't much to the resolution of the STES, I'll focus primarily on the treehouse sequence.

Some nice character development here, as well as some good humor. I laughed at the part about "just push the ugly piece of fabric and foam out the damn hole." The description of the treehouse, and its, for a lack of a better word, rundownness was good. Gave the story a feeling of continuity.

The last line was cool. I'm hoping Aadit is quite an interesting character, with an equally interesting story.

I'm also hoping you stay away from some of the melodrama that was in the section you deleted. I noticed just an edge of that creeping in...though given we don't know the circumstances of the disbanding of your team, it could just be tension-building.

Excellent job.

Adrian

[Adrian]

This'll be slightly detailed (there wasn't much to comment on in the story this time around)...

The waking up and standing outside watching the sky lighten was cool. I should try that some time I can't sleep. Less description of your wardrobe, which is good, but plenty of description of the environment, which is also good.

Really liked the humor in the part where that guy nicked the stuff from the construction site. I laughed at that.

Aadit's storyline wasn't wrapped up to my satisfaction (given relatively little time for all the buildup I thought) though I'm guessing that'll come.

Keep up the good work.

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Dang, I forgot to detail my wardrobe. Fear not, Adrian I will make up for it next time. Thanks for the kind words.

Aadit's story line is an interesting thing. I'm trying to attempt something new in the way i build the story by dropping bits and peices-hints to exactly what happened last summer. More will be explained as the story progresses. For now bear with it. I'm trying to develop the purpose of the dreams to allude to what happened with Aadit, whle trying to not make them to surreal or melodramatic.More to come