Story - Comments, feedback, criticism?

General questions and discussions on water warfare regarding tactics and strategies.
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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Wed Sep 22, 2004 3:39 pm

Well, I decided to post this in the off-topic forum instead of GD, just figured it'd fit better. Like I said, it's part fiction, and part real, so I didn't know where to put it.

Has anyone read it? If so, what do you think? Can you guess which parts are real? Have any comments, criticisms, or feedback?

Thanks,

Adrian

1/2/3
4/5/6

7




Edited By Adrian on 1105650378
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Forceuser
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Post by Forceuser » Thu Sep 23, 2004 2:16 am

Well, I read the whole thing and I have no idea which bits are real and which aren't, it's so believeable. It's good, I can't think of anything bad I can say about it (and for me that IS good)!
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Post by Adrian » Wed Sep 29, 2004 3:11 pm

No more comments? Who are people's favorite characters? Favorite parts?

Razor, I would've expected you to comment on this.... You kinda gave me the motivation to write this story, as you once said that you'd like someone to write a realistic "small-squad" warstory.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Space_Cowboy » Thu Sep 30, 2004 8:51 pm

I have a question, where's the story? I see the map, but no story. What am I missing?



Edited By Space_Cowboy on 1096595643
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With a name like Manhole Mayhem, it has to be good...

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Post by blueviper42 » Thu Sep 30, 2004 9:30 pm

you could have made the map a little nicer by not drawing it on paper with writing on the other side

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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Fri Oct 01, 2004 7:54 am

Razor:The story's under the War Stories section. I couldn't come up with a title, so I just called it "Story."

BV:If I'm not mistaken there's no printing on the other side. I think that's computer paper I used. However, I carried it in my pocket for the entire fight, and the 2 months since, so it's a little beat up.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Space_Cowboy » Fri Oct 01, 2004 6:01 pm

I don't have the time to finish reading it, but I read enough of it to be interested. It seems pretty realistic, but above all, you made it interesting to read.

Nice job! You are now the "Tom Clancy" of water warfare. :goofy:
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Post by Adrian » Tue Oct 05, 2004 8:01 am

hehe...Tom Clancy...thanks! Glad you liked it. Are you going to/did you finish it? Could you let me know a little more about it once you finish it?

Thanks again,

Adrian

PS I'm about a third through the second half. It should take me another two or three weeks.
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Space_Cowboy » Thu Oct 07, 2004 10:07 pm

I scanned the channels again, and found them on band 7. Once again I asked "Do you know what time it is?"
A voice that sounded like Sam's answered, "Yeah, we'll meet you there." "Click." Their team was notable for brevity it seemed.
I replaced the Motorola, shouldered the pack, and as I stood up, Ann asked "What time is it? Is the fight over?"
"Nope," I replied. "It's half-time!"

I like the humor. Nice work Clanc.. er, Adrian! :goofy:




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With a name like Manhole Mayhem, it has to be good...

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Post by Adrian » Fri Oct 08, 2004 4:03 pm

Awww shucks...thanks. :p LOL

I just finished writing up the 4th skirmish out of the fight's 6 total(3 are fictional, we only fought 3), adding a rather long character interaction scene (very cool scene IMHO), and touching up what I've written in the second half so far. I've been typing for the past 2 hours, or there-abouts.

The second half has even more humor, but it's not gonna turn into a comedy, it's still serious. When you get about 20 kids together and have them start shooting at each other, funny stuff is bound to happen. There's also going to be a rather sad (or melancholy) scene coming.

I checked the sizes of my two files, Part 1 and Part 2. Part 1 is 52k, and Part 2 is 40k, and I'm only about half done. I'd give it another 2 weeks given my current rate of work. It'll be done by Thanksgiving no problem, probably by Halloween.

Adrian

EDIT:I added some stuff to each of the "times." Made it more 24-ish, which is what I was going for.




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“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Crashdummy » Fri Oct 08, 2004 8:30 pm

I like 24, that series of shows with the stuff in the building that was killing people was cool.

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Post by isoaker » Thu Oct 21, 2004 9:48 am

@ Adrian: Couldn't move posts so I just deleted the non-story posts from the Story thread since you had already read them. Anyhow, good work thusfar! Looking forward to seeing its completion and just let me know how you'd like to be acknowledges when the time comes to push it into the War Journal section of iSoaker.com.

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Post by Adrian » Fri Nov 12, 2004 4:28 pm

Well, due to certain time constraints, and the fact that I forgot to save a good chunk of a "time" I probably won't be ready to go before Thanksgiving like I promised. Christmas for sure though. It'll be worth the wait. It's very cool, if I do say so myself. :blues:

I've got probably 1/4 to 1/3 to go. 2 more big battles (I decided to add another one just for kicks) and a closing scene to wrap it all up. Right now Pt 2 is 70k, Pt1 is only 52k by comparison. My guess is Pt2 will finish out at 100k give or take.

Before it can be posted at ISc (assuming you still want it on your site), I need to go through and edit out certain references...that'll probably take a week beyond when I finish posting it here...

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by isoaker » Sat Nov 13, 2004 1:22 pm

Well, I await your final product and when you give the go ahead to cut'n'transpose your work from the forums into a formatted iSoaker.com page. So far so cool; can't wait to read what you've got in store!

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Post by Adrian » Fri Dec 03, 2004 9:37 pm

I'm pushing the release date back again, this time to the first week of 2005. Not because I think it's gonna take me that long, but because A.I cover my bases if it does, and B.I look better if I get done ahead of schedule. Oh yeah, and I kinda wanted to bump this topic, which is one of the reasons I'm writing this. By the time this drops off the main OT page, I'll have finished writing. COOL! :blues:

Right now I'm in the middle of writing the sixth battle...RIGHT in the middle, I'm on a break from writing to post this.

Adrian

Edit:Unless one is named Golum, one always says "I look" not "I looks." Even if you are Golum, you have to add more than one "s" at the end.




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“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:09 pm

Added the halftime section. Please comment.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue Dec 21, 2004 4:02 pm

I'm nearly done. Within paragraphs of the end, that's how close I am. The final skirmish is cool! ;-D

Given enough time alone (I never write when people are around) over the next few days, I may very seriously finish the writing part by Christmas. I'd like to think I can post the whole thing by the Tuesday after New Years, and then I just have to clean it up, draw and post a new and adjusted map, and then Isoaker can post it on his website.

BTW, Pt2 is 117k at this point. I estimate it'll top out at around 120k.

Adrian

PS How did everyone like half-time?
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by isoaker » Tue Dec 21, 2004 6:13 pm

Cool! Didn't have much to comment on an incomplete story apart from saying FINISH IT ALREADY! :goofy:

Good job so far, though!

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Post by Adrian » Thu Jan 06, 2005 4:34 pm

Finished. Am cleaning up what I've already posted, and will try to post the rest by this time next week. Then I need to make a new map, and repost the story in the submissions forum "time" by "time" in reverse, locking each post.

It came in at 131k

Adrian

Edit:The whole thing's posted. Please, PLEASE let me know how y'all like it.




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“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by isoaker » Thu Jan 06, 2005 9:20 pm

I'll read the whole enchilada this weekend. Full comments pending...

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