This thread is for the discussion of the new Wetmonkey story.
I've glanced through it once or twice, so this may not be the most accurate/in-depth review ever. When time permits, I'll write on up that does the story justice.
I like the idea, and I'm hoping it's explained more, perhaps through flashbacks. A huge water fight in the middle of nowhere, the participants sneaking around to avoid suspicion. Got me hooked already, I'm really hoping to hear WHY they've been driven underground, and maybe some of the security precautions that were taken. Backstory of the characters would be nice too.
The paragraphs run together due to the fact that you don't have them seperated. Additionally, some of the sentences sound like they have a word or two exta - probably just a personal preference though. My writing style is heavily influenced by Dennis Lehane and Matthew Stover, so I tend to do dramatic starts and stops and descriptions in a basic, almost train-of-thought mode. Despite what I just said about having an extra word or two, your descriptions put my in the jeep, in the foxhole, in the camp. I was there dude.
While I like the concept, it has the feeling, so far, of being a little too...epic. It's too big. I don't think you'd find 500 soaker enthusiasts to all camp out on the Canadian border for 2 weeks, much less 5000. Additionally, water howitzers... *shakes head* Please keep this grounded in reality...it'll be so much better than if it goes off into fantasy land.
I'm really hoping you finish this one. It's got a lot of promise.
Adrian
PS You owe me similar reviews when I start posting in January! :crazy:
War Story 1 by Wetmonkey - Discussion/comments
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wetmonkey442
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Hey, didn't even notice this. Although I haven't been around much so...Thanks for the kind words.
As far as epic...come on Adrian, by now you should know my style. The monkey lives for grandeur. I believe as a respected member of this community I should be allowed to make my stories as crazy as needed
.
Now I've been inspired to continue working on this story. And don't worry Adrian. I'll make sure to write a review (or twenty) for you.
As far as epic...come on Adrian, by now you should know my style. The monkey lives for grandeur. I believe as a respected member of this community I should be allowed to make my stories as crazy as needed
. Now I've been inspired to continue working on this story. And don't worry Adrian. I'll make sure to write a review (or twenty) for you.
Join the fight! Support water warfare in your area today!
This review won't be quite so detailed, as I just have two comments.
The scene with the character describing the battlefield was great. Felt like a scene out of Shatterpoint or Darkness, Take My Hand. Great job.
The howitzers on the other hand... My 9mm is loaded with 115 grain ball and 124 grain hollowpoints - the "round" is about the size of a pea, maybe a little bigger, definitely heavier. Standard ball ammo for a .45 runs to about 230 grains, and runs about the size of a Great Northern bean, one of those fat red ones. This is just to give you a little perspective on size. You need to add a couple zeros to your 125 grain howitzer rounds if they're gonna hold 2 milk-jugs full of water.
Additionally, to accelerate 2 gallons of water out to a mile, you need incredible explosive power, to the point where the impact would probably be picked up by some government agency or felt by a surrounding community, and it wouldn't just break a leg, it would completely shear it off. Mentioning the "compensator" on the howitzer was a cool detail though, porting a gun barrel releases some of the expanding gasses and lowers the velocity slightly.
Now I know why everyone's sneaking around in your story - what they're doing breaks federal firearms laws and would earn them 10 years in the pen.
Not that I have a problem with thumbing one's nose at the ATF...
Adrian
PS Don't think I'm being malicious with my comments - I like your writing, my comments in the past year confirm that. I just feel I should point out some aspects that I disagree with. But hey, write what you want - don't let me my infrequent sprinkles of rain dampen your parade.
The scene with the character describing the battlefield was great. Felt like a scene out of Shatterpoint or Darkness, Take My Hand. Great job.
The howitzers on the other hand... My 9mm is loaded with 115 grain ball and 124 grain hollowpoints - the "round" is about the size of a pea, maybe a little bigger, definitely heavier. Standard ball ammo for a .45 runs to about 230 grains, and runs about the size of a Great Northern bean, one of those fat red ones. This is just to give you a little perspective on size. You need to add a couple zeros to your 125 grain howitzer rounds if they're gonna hold 2 milk-jugs full of water.
Additionally, to accelerate 2 gallons of water out to a mile, you need incredible explosive power, to the point where the impact would probably be picked up by some government agency or felt by a surrounding community, and it wouldn't just break a leg, it would completely shear it off. Mentioning the "compensator" on the howitzer was a cool detail though, porting a gun barrel releases some of the expanding gasses and lowers the velocity slightly.
Now I know why everyone's sneaking around in your story - what they're doing breaks federal firearms laws and would earn them 10 years in the pen.
Not that I have a problem with thumbing one's nose at the ATF...Adrian
PS Don't think I'm being malicious with my comments - I like your writing, my comments in the past year confirm that. I just feel I should point out some aspects that I disagree with. But hey, write what you want - don't let me my infrequent sprinkles of rain dampen your parade.
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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wetmonkey442
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- Location: Connecticut
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wetmonkey442
- Posts: 596
- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:36 am
- Location: Connecticut
Can't really say much, given that it was really just two character profiles. You've been developing your descriptive powers and I'm jealous. Really kicked the realism up a notch. The first sentence about Fledge had me laughing - I'm really hoping you continue with the humor trend.
Keep up the good work!
Adrian
Keep up the good work!
Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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wetmonkey442
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- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:36 am
- Location: Connecticut
Nice banter between the characters. It's the personal touches that bring something so large, epic, and sprawling down to the actual humans involved. With something so large, epic, and sprawling, getting down to the people is necessary, otherwise it feels...like a history lesson. You do a great job making people out of your characters.
The military ranks seem forced. Seriously. I cringe whenever a character is reprimanded for not using them, in any story. This is fun, not too serious stuff.
The water-howitzer is still a serious sticking point with me. I cannot imagine anyone employing one of these things in a game, pointing them in even the most general direction of someone they do not wish malice, evil, and general dismemberment upon. That said, I like the fact that you make it an unreliable technology. I'd like to see them fighting to get it to work, a lot more. It's one of those "hand of God" type of devices, and it'd be nice to see what happens when it's not there to be relied upon.
I'los sounds like a cool character. He has a Klingon name.
Here's hoping we see some more of him. More fun people stuff here. I like that. A few crazy quirks in his character would be good...I can just imagine what you could come up with now that you've already mentioned "the pina colada song."
I don't know if you're skipping back and forth between teams, and this bugs me - I like to keep up with who's doing what where. Some labelling would be good. You've already established that the story's being told from a third-person perspective, a label if/when switching back and forth between teams would be awesome and it wouldn't detract from the setup either.
Keep up the good work!
Adrian
The military ranks seem forced. Seriously. I cringe whenever a character is reprimanded for not using them, in any story. This is fun, not too serious stuff.
The water-howitzer is still a serious sticking point with me. I cannot imagine anyone employing one of these things in a game, pointing them in even the most general direction of someone they do not wish malice, evil, and general dismemberment upon. That said, I like the fact that you make it an unreliable technology. I'd like to see them fighting to get it to work, a lot more. It's one of those "hand of God" type of devices, and it'd be nice to see what happens when it's not there to be relied upon.
I'los sounds like a cool character. He has a Klingon name.
Here's hoping we see some more of him. More fun people stuff here. I like that. A few crazy quirks in his character would be good...I can just imagine what you could come up with now that you've already mentioned "the pina colada song."I don't know if you're skipping back and forth between teams, and this bugs me - I like to keep up with who's doing what where. Some labelling would be good. You've already established that the story's being told from a third-person perspective, a label if/when switching back and forth between teams would be awesome and it wouldn't detract from the setup either.
Keep up the good work!
Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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wetmonkey442
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- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:36 am
- Location: Connecticut
Thanks for the kind words. As far as the ranks go, I really have a hard time writing a story without some sort of chain of command. I guess I've read too much of this type of stuff. I've been trying to make it seem more relaistic by having these ranks commonly forgotten by many of the younger members. Also, I am switching back and forth between teams, although not between sides. There are really only four main characters/groups in four locales. Srgt. Harris and his men in the forest, on the far west of the battlefield, Captain Morgan ( ) and his platoon in the middle of the front, a bit back, gaurding the howitzers, Lt. Chase and her unit at the front of the front, pushing the farthest into the "no man's land", and Private Fledge with his squad at the far right of the field, pretty far back from the front.
As I continue to write the sotry, I'll try to make the purposes and locations of all of the main characters clearer and the labeling you mentioned will almost definently be used during the large battle near the end of this war.
Another interesting aspect (and one that I've tried to improve based on reading your great story) is the interaction between characters. In your story, most of the characters are already familiar with each other, and thus they are going to react to each other as people who are familiar with each other would. I've been thinking of ways that the four main characters, who are not familiar with each other, will interact throughout the war.
I'Los is a Klingon.
In all seriousness I try to create all of my characters (even the most minor ones) with a purpose, and I'Los' was made to be the sort of minor comedy relief in Chase's squad. Your work has convinced me to make my stories much more character driven. Don't worry the battle sequences will be just as if not more intense than the UWS.
Howitzers- Definently fiction. However I love them and they're not going anywhere. I appreciate your noting of their mortality. They are far from invincible instruments of destruction from miles away. It is hard to imagine the effect of them on the enemy unless you are on the recieving end of one (or ten). However, this will soon be the case, as you could probably have guessed from the last sentence in the story so far.
The howitzers will be used like howitzer's in real war are used. They're not aimed at people, and don't have the range, power, or accuracy to hit people. A constant barrage of a few rounds every hour in the front of the National's position is intended to be enough to stop any sort of frontal assault. The men would be walking into an area where there is a chance that they could be hit with a flying nylon bag filled with water.
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it more than you can imagine.
Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1146410417
) and his platoon in the middle of the front, a bit back, gaurding the howitzers, Lt. Chase and her unit at the front of the front, pushing the farthest into the "no man's land", and Private Fledge with his squad at the far right of the field, pretty far back from the front.As I continue to write the sotry, I'll try to make the purposes and locations of all of the main characters clearer and the labeling you mentioned will almost definently be used during the large battle near the end of this war.
Another interesting aspect (and one that I've tried to improve based on reading your great story) is the interaction between characters. In your story, most of the characters are already familiar with each other, and thus they are going to react to each other as people who are familiar with each other would. I've been thinking of ways that the four main characters, who are not familiar with each other, will interact throughout the war.
I'Los is a Klingon.
In all seriousness I try to create all of my characters (even the most minor ones) with a purpose, and I'Los' was made to be the sort of minor comedy relief in Chase's squad. Your work has convinced me to make my stories much more character driven. Don't worry the battle sequences will be just as if not more intense than the UWS.
Howitzers- Definently fiction. However I love them and they're not going anywhere. I appreciate your noting of their mortality. They are far from invincible instruments of destruction from miles away. It is hard to imagine the effect of them on the enemy unless you are on the recieving end of one (or ten). However, this will soon be the case, as you could probably have guessed from the last sentence in the story so far.
The howitzers will be used like howitzer's in real war are used. They're not aimed at people, and don't have the range, power, or accuracy to hit people. A constant barrage of a few rounds every hour in the front of the National's position is intended to be enough to stop any sort of frontal assault. The men would be walking into an area where there is a chance that they could be hit with a flying nylon bag filled with water.
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it more than you can imagine.
Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1146410417
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wetmonkey442
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New part added. Guess I better follow Adrian's lead and post a bit about each new entry.
Harris and his guys get out of the forest and stumble onto something unexpected. This is a small entry, as I haven't had much time this week (only the last ten minutes actually) to write. It's a transition post into the next section.
Harris and his guys get out of the forest and stumble onto something unexpected. This is a small entry, as I haven't had much time this week (only the last ten minutes actually) to write. It's a transition post into the next section.
Join the fight! Support water warfare in your area today!
Not a ton to say due to the length (or lack thereof). :p Descriptions are still your strong suit and it shoes. Every little detail conspires to put me right THERE. That's cool.
Keep it up.
Adrian
Keep it up.
Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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wetmonkey442
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- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:36 am
- Location: Connecticut
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wetmonkey442
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- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:36 am
- Location: Connecticut
New part posted. It's a real long one (and by long I mean about the size of one of Adrian's shorter entries ) Anyhow, with lacrosse over, and school almost over, you can expect some real long entries in a few weeks. Enjoy, and as always bring on the comments and criticism.
Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1148736587
) Anyhow, with lacrosse over, and school almost over, you can expect some real long entries in a few weeks. Enjoy, and as always bring on the comments and criticism.Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1148736587
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Great intro, great descriptions. I gotta ask though, who'd have a water fight when it's cold enough to put frost down? That'd just be crazy. And what old, arthritic man is going to be further crazy enough to participate in such conditions. I guess age didn't impart upon him much wisdom... Capt. Morgan...in-joke or coincidence?
Fledge is hilarious. "It's the color of a dead moose!" LOL And I liked the reference to not being able to turn it up as much as he'd like for safety reasons. I'd like to think I inspired that. :p I'm not sure if the .200 launcher is a designation or the caliber, but .200 shakes out to be slightly larger than an airsoft bb. Just sayin'.
Referee trucks...I was wondering how you were gonna sort out the scoring aspects of this. Good job.
Two things I didn't like, and I'll be brief because, well, you did so well that these are only minor sticking points. The military stuff still irks me, but you know that already. And the setting is too...I don't know...the way you described it makes it seem more like they're fighting at, like, the Battle Of Bastygone (definite spelling error there) rather than a waterfight. Like I said above, I can't think that anyone would fight under freezing conditions.
Overall, great job. You're still hitting the descriptions dead on. Keep up the good work!
Adrian
Fledge is hilarious. "It's the color of a dead moose!" LOL And I liked the reference to not being able to turn it up as much as he'd like for safety reasons. I'd like to think I inspired that. :p I'm not sure if the .200 launcher is a designation or the caliber, but .200 shakes out to be slightly larger than an airsoft bb. Just sayin'.
Referee trucks...I was wondering how you were gonna sort out the scoring aspects of this. Good job.
Two things I didn't like, and I'll be brief because, well, you did so well that these are only minor sticking points. The military stuff still irks me, but you know that already. And the setting is too...I don't know...the way you described it makes it seem more like they're fighting at, like, the Battle Of Bastygone (definite spelling error there) rather than a waterfight. Like I said above, I can't think that anyone would fight under freezing conditions.
Overall, great job. You're still hitting the descriptions dead on. Keep up the good work!
Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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wetmonkey442
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Thnaks a lot.
-.200 meant 2.00 or 2". Shall be fixed.
-Cold weather=A desire to be not wet.
-Capt. Morgan=Definite pun. I was wondering when someone would pick up one that...
Also, Capt. Morgan isn't old. I like to think of him as fitfully middle-aged.
Thanks a lot.
-.200 meant 2.00 or 2". Shall be fixed.
-Cold weather=A desire to be not wet.
-Capt. Morgan=Definite pun. I was wondering when someone would pick up one that...
Also, Capt. Morgan isn't old. I like to think of him as fitfully middle-aged.
Thanks a lot.
Join the fight! Support water warfare in your area today!
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wetmonkey442
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I've been working a ton this week. Just wanted to let you know that I've skimmed the section and I'll comment on it when I get a respite. Probably Thursday or Sunday. I haven't forgotten.
Adrian
Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
Reread it. A point-by-point discussion shall follow.
~As always, excellent descriptive powers. Laughing down the rounds, never heard that one before, good metaphor.
~Good humor. It's always nice to see people taking themselves less than seriously in these things. I liked the "trying to get the military dialogue right" scene. I'd like to think you got that from my suggestions.
~The military feel and cold weather are still sticking points for me, but it is your story, and since it's as good as it is, they're converted to MINOR sticking points.
~Not a ton to say here that I haven't said before, but there wasn't a ton going on in this entry.
Keep up the good work!
Adrian
~As always, excellent descriptive powers. Laughing down the rounds, never heard that one before, good metaphor.
~Good humor. It's always nice to see people taking themselves less than seriously in these things. I liked the "trying to get the military dialogue right" scene. I'd like to think you got that from my suggestions.
~The military feel and cold weather are still sticking points for me, but it is your story, and since it's as good as it is, they're converted to MINOR sticking points.
~Not a ton to say here that I haven't said before, but there wasn't a ton going on in this entry.
Keep up the good work!
Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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wetmonkey442
- Posts: 596
- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:36 am
- Location: Connecticut
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wetmonkey442
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- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:36 am
- Location: Connecticut
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