War Story 1 by Wetmonkey - Discussion/comments

[Adrian]

Good section. Not tons to comment on unfortunately. Good character development, I always like to peer inside people's heads (and conversations).

Keep up the good work.

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

New section added. This, along with the next entry, will be the "breath before the plunge" so to speak, detailing the preparations of both sides before the battle. I'm not saying it's going to be the last battle of the story, but it should be pretty big.

Enjoy, and as always, comments and crits are welcome.

EDIT: I know it's not a Friday, don't worry my next entry will be posted on the usual schedule, and I look forward to your next entry, Adrian.



Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1152136791

[Adrian]

Sorry for the delay. A point-by-point discussion follows.

1.These assassin type characters just sort of popped up out of nowhere. Interesting, but at least some mention or passing reference should've been made earlier. It has kind of a deus ex machina feel to it - just something quickly invented.

2."It still looks like a dead moose." This could be the greatest line ever written on these forums.

3.I liked the bit of backstory on how the war is a "for charity" event, and the guys who donate the most get the higher ranks. Makes the ranks much more informal.

4.Good descriptions of the camp. Nicely done.

Keep up the good work!

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Thanks for the comments and crits.

The "phantoms" are actually Harris and his squad. I wanted to try and remind the reader of Harris' situation at the enemy's camp. However I could see how that could be confusing. I'll see if I could refine it a little bit.

Glad you liked that sequence at the camp, because that=about the content for the next 2-3 entries.

In the next entry which I'll post later today, Morgan will be elaborated a bit. He has his own demons, and while I don't pretend to elaborate or define my characters as deeply as Adrian does, hints of his past will certainly help to explain his...personality. I'm not aiming for subtley, and it will become quite obvious to anyone who reads it. Morgan's "past" influences the way he lives, but (because of the way I write), it doesn't really play a big role in the story because he is only one of many main characters.


Thanks a lot

Soak On



Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1152360163

[Adrian]

A bit longer post, and not a ton of points for me to hit on despite the length. Well written section, I can't wait to see what the big battle is like.

I like Morgan. I've always liked cold, professional, detatched characters, and he seems to be a shining example of one. The conflicts he has with Sways are/should be interesting. If there were to be some jockeying going on for his post, which he takes on in his detatched way, that could be mighty interesting.

The second comment I had was on the number of characters. Only the third time through did I pick up that Sways was on Morgan's team. There are just enough characters that I'm having a hard time keeping everybody straight. Except for Fledge of course. I just follow the funny with him.

Keep up the good work!

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Thanks for the comments.

There are a lot of characters, I'll be the first to admit it, so I can understand where the confusion comes from. An easy way to remember who's who is just by remembering that all of the main characters are on the U.M. No characters (except for a minor one explained in the first post) are on the Nationals. Morgan and Sways are now the commanders of the 1st infantry, the biggest force of the U.M., Chase and her armor platoon are also working in the 1st division. Fledge is in the 4th. Harris belongs to the 2nd, but his squad is out there behind enemy lines, so think of them as a seperate unit unto themselves. the battle will be on a grand scale, with the operations being explained as division movements, interluded with small scale skirmishes explained in detail.

I think you'll enjoy it.


Soak On