Ambush in the Forest - Story. Any good? Should I continue?

Water warfare tactical scenarios, role-playing threads, and fictional stories.
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Pikey
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Post by Pikey » Tue Jul 31, 2007 10:28 am

I fancied writing a short story. This is the start. Is it any good? Should I continue?

The sun beating down on us through the small, but numerous holes in the roof of the forest canopy is relentless. The ground is cracked and much of the vegetation is dying or dead from lack of water. The temperature must be over 35˚C and the thirst growling from my bone dry throat is beginning to take its toll. Fortunately, the outpost is only half a kilometre away, but in this heat it could take it an eternity to reach.
The first bomb smashes into the ground with a deafening crack, the second, into the rear most member of our patrol, causing him audible discomfort. I dive for cover in a mound of dense vegetation, with neither the order nor a glance to my rear. More bombs crash into the ground around my group, but I do not care for the vegetation I believed to be my savoir, reveals its colours as a hindrance. It has many large nettle plants which its leaves sting my flesh. I have to put the pain to the back of my mind; there is now a battle to fight.

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isoaker
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Post by isoaker » Tue Jul 31, 2007 11:34 am

'tis a good start! I'd say, if you're inspired to write, definitely go for it! There's a good amount of potential in the story, but it's also much to early to judge the overall story; I do like your writing style, though!

:cool:
:: Leave NO one dry! :: iSoaker.com .:

Pikey
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Post by Pikey » Tue Jul 31, 2007 2:04 pm

Sorry about any errors, I haven't had time to edit it. I will soon.

Part Two:

“Luke’s been hit!” bellows Jimmy who is off to my right, behind a large oak. “Cover me,” he shouts, and charges towards the drenched fighter lying on the path without waiting for a response. We are in a small valley with steep, 1 in 4, slopes leading up 30 metres on both sides. I raise my head from the cover to observe where the enemy are coming from. From all over the south side, more and more are charging. I can see at least 40 at this point and know that a patrol of five would never be able to fend them all off. One is now less than five metres away from myself and is aiming a bomb at the running Jimmy. Lucky for me, my concealment means he has not seen me and I use the element of surprise to my advantage. I leap up and unleash a barrage of shots from my SS Sneak Attack. They hit him in the right shoulder and face, causing him to loose balance and drop the bomb. It hits his knee, splattering him in water and he collapses to the ground. I realise that it is only a matter of time before the fighter regains his balance and counter attacks my position. I break from cover and run towards Jimmy, who is struggling to move Luke from the path. I grab his legs and we pull him behind a collapsed fern. I am the medic assigned to this patrol and realise to get a good look at him, we need to move out of the front line. I call over Kyle, our only link with command. He has the only Walkie Talkie of the squad.
“We need to get support,” I tell him and he nods before speaking into the radio. A split second into his message, a bomb flies over the fern before hitting the radio full on. It clatters to the ground and crackles before the small screen fades away. I jump up from my crouched position and start firing at a small group of enemy fighters that have overrun the nettles I was hiding in earlier and are at the edge of the path. One, I recognise as the water bomb attacker I hit earlier.
“It’s dead,” Kyle tells me from behind before moving towards Tom, our patrol leader, to inform him. I had the sudden realisation that we were now on our own, with no hope of support.
“FALL BACK!” Tom bellows from 20 metres behind us.
“We’ve got wounded!” Jimmy shouts back, indicating Luke lying in the dirt.
“Well we’re not bloody well staying here!” Tom shouts as he turns to battle with the slope and try and get higher. Jimmy looks at me and then Luke.
“Take this,” he says, handing me his SS Vaporizer. I slip the modified strap over my shoulder as I notice two moving objects out of the corner of my eye. As I turn, a spurt of water hits me in the hip. Two fighters are closing in from the end of the fern. I shoot at their faces, only dazing them as I draw a water bomb and throw. It hits the right fighter, but spraying them both. They stumble round the other side of the fern to recover themselves. When I turn, I see Jimmy with Luke over his shoulders, 10 metres up the slope. I start up the slope but have keep grabbing at trees to stop myself from sliding. There’s no sign of the rest of the patrol.




Edited By Pikey on 1185912651

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cobralex297
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Post by cobralex297 » Wed Aug 01, 2007 12:40 pm

Well-written and very realistic. You have good grammar and spelling, something that is often lacking in Soaker Stories. It's presence is much appreciated, for I am definitely a nitpicker and find it hard to read a story where grammar and spelling are poor. Good job, great writing, and I hope to see more from you in the future, because this was thoroughly enjoyed.



Edited By cobralex297 on 1185990045

hydroblitz
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Post by hydroblitz » Wed Aug 01, 2007 1:55 pm

You were born to write, Pikey!
Soak On!

Pikey
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Post by Pikey » Wed Aug 01, 2007 2:57 pm

More's on it's way tommorw. Thanks for the votes of confidence! :)

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Post by hydroblitz » Wed Aug 01, 2007 3:01 pm

Your welcome! Keep up the Great Work!
Soak On!

Pikey
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Post by Pikey » Thu Aug 02, 2007 6:05 am

Part three:

As I slowly make my way up, water bombs start exploding around me. I keep pushing myself on but I am constantly losing my footing. I near the top and risk a look downwards. The majority of the enemy have waited at the bottom while a few dare the climb. One fighter is about 10 metres behind me and is closing fast thanks to his sturdy hiking boots. I look to the ground and sight a rock about 10cm in diameter. I pick it up in my right hand as I swing my left arm and blaster around a small tree. I swing the rock and throw it underarm towards him. He is looking at the ground when it impacts with his knee and he growls in pain as he slides. His hands flail as he falls backwards and rolls a few metres down the slope. I put the thought to the back of my mind as I reach the crest and stumble on an exposed root. I pick myself up and am presented with a large cornfield over a small dirt path. I charge into 2m high corn and fight my way through about 50m of packed plants before a stumble upon a trodden path. Up ahead I see Tom with Kyle and Jimmy walking towards them. I continue on and reach them as Jimmy is lying out Luke on the ground.
“We can’t stay here long,” Tom addresses us.
“How are we going to get back to command and warn them?” Kyle asks.
“We’re not,” Tom says “You saw how big that assault was. That was hardy your little ambush out there. That attack will be moving on the main base as well. My bet is that was a flanking force trying to cut off any rear guard.”
“What do we do then?” Jimmy quires
“We first need to get away from that lot. Then we need to find more water and some shelter and some where that Jason can have a good look a little Luke and get him patched up. Kyle, unravel that map you’ve got and see if there’s anywhere close we can go.” Kyle nods at the order and unzips his pack. He takes out a large A2 page, folded up and opens it. He takes out a compass and lines it up with the map. Tom takes me off to the side while Jimmy and Kyle try and find our position.
“Have a quick look at him,” he says, nodding towards Luke “I know there’s not a lot you can do, but see if he can at least walk; we don’t to be carrying him around for the next few days.” He turns back to Kyle and Jimmy.

Pikey
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Post by Pikey » Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:11 am

Part four:

I bend down beside Luke who is propped up against some corn plants with his eyes closed.
“Mind if I have a look at you?” I ask. He opens his eyes slowly and smiles weakly. He looks completely exhausted. For a thirteen year old, there’s not much of him. Luke’s the youngest of the patrol, with Tom the oldest at fifteen and a half. I myself am coming up to fifteen, with Kyle and Jimmy both fourteen.
I smile back and he closes his eyes again. I lean him forwards gently and lift up the back of his T-shirt. I’m surprised by what I see. In the centre of his back there is an area of black and blue the size of a dinner plate. That must have been some painful hit and could only have come from a launcher at close range. With something that bad he’d find it hard to move, let alone walk and fight. Slightly bellow that there is a bad graze where he must have hit the ground when he fell. I lean him back.
“Is there anywhere else you hurt?”
He raises his right hand revealing a shallow cut across the palm. There’s nothing I can do without water to clean it and it has already began to clot. As he lowers it again he nods towards his right foot. I shuffle along to it to take a god look. I unlace the boot, not entirely sure if I’m going to find a broken foot or just a large thorn. As I remove it, Luke let’s out a little gasp. I look up.
“If it hurts, just rap on the floor, okay?” He nods. I roll up his trousers and take off his sock with extra care. I notice straight away that the ankle is swollen but doesn’t look broken.
“Can you move your toes?” Luke moves them slowly and doesn’t seem to be in any pain from it.
“How bad is he?” asks Tom as he turns to look at us.
“Twisted ankle, a few minor cuts and that mother of all bruises on his back, but otherwise okay. He is suffering from dehydration as well, though. He certainly won’t be able to walk.”
“That’s going to really slow us down if we have to carry him and I think we’re all tired enough as it is.” Tom’s expression is one I have never seen before when he finishes this sentence. The penny drops, but Jimmy gets there before me.
“You’re not seriously considering leaving him behind, are you?” Jimmy says, as alarmed as any of us. Tom sucks air through his teeth.
“Look, we’re all tired, hungry and thirsty and he’s just extra weight. If he could at least fight that might have been different, but this area is hot with enemy activity and we need to get out of here as fast as we can. I’m sorry, but we can’t take him with us.”

Pikey
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Post by Pikey » Sat Aug 04, 2007 11:21 am

Part five:

Jimmy fires back an angry response.
“So that’s all he is to you, ‘extra weight’?! I don’t care if he ways a gram or a tonne, he’s one of us and I’m not leaving him!” Tom looks around at the three sternly faced boys in front of him. He sighs.
“Fine, take him. But when you’re crawling on your hands and knees through the dirt begging for water, you’re sure as hell not going to get some from me!” He walks off from us, about 100m away.
“So where’re we going?” I ask Kyle. He turns to his map spread out across the ground.
“An abandoned hamlet 3km south east of here,” he points as he talks. “I was talking to lad who had to come through it on his way to the front. It’s a couple of hundred years old but was only abandoned about 40 years ago. He said there was a village pump that we are hoping to still be in working order. There is an overgrown orchid to the north which was probably part of Cottage Farm over here. It will provide us with defence as well as food, but who long can a human being live on apples?!
“I worked out that the main assault is from the west, and as long as our boys on the flanks hold themselves we should be looking for a good weeks rest and a chance for Luke to recover.” The ‘shoulds’ and ‘hopes’ are far from reassuring but a chance for break is a big enough incentive for me.
“We should start making a move,” Tom says, who is now next to me. I nod.
“Let’s get this over with.”

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