Story II - Comments, criticism, feedback?

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wetmonkey442
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Post by wetmonkey442 » Sat Jul 08, 2006 6:56 am

DAY Reviews:

(With you posting two entries a night, it makes it a little hard to read all of them. Take comfort in the fact that I'm following the story closely enough to notice when/if I skip an entry).

This entry was quite good, and I can imagine it was memorable to write. The character of Keith is still the most intriguing character IMO. The mental excersises he seems to take so seriously are very interesting. I've heard of them before, and you were able to incorporate them into the plot of the story by making them seperate from the plot and acting as more of a secondary character influencer. They reveal a lot about Keith, and you avoided any contradictions with earlier sections of the story.

Another aspect of the this story is the friendship between Keith and Jamie. You are obviously utilizing the "foil characters becomes friends" sort of technique, but you have advanced it just a bit. Through their viewpoints, we are able to see aspects of both characters deeper than surface. We observe that Jamie is much deeper than we thought, not just her personality, but perhaps also her problems might run deeper. This is good because it reveals a larger more complex character. It is bad because I feel as if Jamie story is not as well explained as the others. What I'm trying to say is I believe you should write through her view point more often then you do.

As far as Keith is concerned, I believe he will truly be defined later on in the story. That is about the extent of the "predictions" I am going to make.

You wouldn't appreciate it if I reviewed your story without criticizing the few (and I mean FEW) aspects of it that I think could be improved.

First of all, I really liked the switched view-point thing you've got going on. It adds multiple prespectives to the same story, a writing technique that can almost never be utilized wrong. However it feels a little awkward that the multiple prespectives only came about after the first entry into the battleground. I think that perhaps you were aiming to make the forest (or is it a swamp?) that defining element that would truly change the people in the story and that the multiple view points was a way of showing how the battle would change and define each character. I can appreciate that, however it felt awkward for a few entries because the reader was accustomed to reading only Brian's thoughts.

My second little beef revolves around Elissa's and Brian's relationship. Earlier in the story, you devoted quite a bit of material to the development of that relationship, and I was sort of hoping you'd use it later to influence an important scene or conflict. Perhaps you're still planning to do this, but Elissa has really sort of dropped out as a character. The fact that she was so important earlier on makes the recent entries seem a bit...empty.


Just my thoughts, and as always, outstanding work!

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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Mon Jul 10, 2006 7:45 pm

Point by point discussion follows:

1.The mental exercises were something I feared people would find corny. The whole point of all the weird stuff Keith does is to make him a real enigma, specifically, Is this kid totally insane or not?

2.A lot of Jamie's problems got added in late, sort of an afterthought. I was convinced someone would go Brooke Shields on me and claim I'm the next Tom Cruise by giving her anti-depressants she hated. Some of this is explained in the fact sheet which shall be posted after everything's up.

3.The forest is just a location, nothing more. The swamp is more...well, everything Brian fears is back there. A good deal of the stuff that made him him is back there. And he has to go through it. Twice. Oops, shouldn'tve said that. His sheepdogness hates exposing his friends to potential danger, and this shows yet another side of him.

4.Elissa and Brian...I've tried to keep SOMETHING about them in each section. Don't want to let it fizzle out, but at the same time, I don't want it to become THE point of the story. Needless to say, something's going to happen at some point. Something big. I like tortured heroes, and in this case, I get 2 of them who are the source of trauma for both themself and the other. They will hurt each other, multiple times.

Congrats on making the 100th post here.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by WaterWolf » Mon Jul 10, 2006 7:49 pm

Story sounds great from what I've heard.
Sorry if I'm clueless, but WHERE is it?
The Maple-Mountain-Marines.

Terrifying, but oddly refreshing.
-B.D.

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Post by Adrian » Mon Jul 10, 2006 9:43 pm

It's in the Articles forum. If you check it out, please let me know what you think.

Adrian

PS It is completely fictional. Any resemblence to real characters, situations, and events is completely unintentional.

Edit:You might also want to go back through the older pages of the Articles forum and look for older stories. XP220Warrior has a couple as does Wetmonkey (both of whom are excellent writers) and I've got an old one in there that is semi-real.




Edited By Adrian on 1152585929
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

wetmonkey442
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Post by wetmonkey442 » Tue Jul 11, 2006 9:38 am

@WaterWolf

Additional C&C would be really apprecciated, I'm sure, because Adrian must be getting just a little tired of hearing from just me each week. :goofy:

(unashamed flattery) In all seriousness, Adrian's story is truly magnificent, he's an excellent writer, and a fantastic member of the online community (/unashamed flattery).


On the other hand, check out my story (creatively entitled "War Story 1"), which is also on the articles page.


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Post by WaterWolf » Tue Jul 11, 2006 6:25 pm

(To WetMonkey) I actually read your "War 1" a long while ago and loved it. What do you mean by C&C? Comments and Criticism?

(To Adrian) I just finished what you've done on your story Adrian, its a fantastic fan-fic and has inspired me to start working on my homemade gun again. I'll post the design and instructions online once I've finished it.




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The Maple-Mountain-Marines.

Terrifying, but oddly refreshing.
-B.D.

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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Fri Jul 14, 2006 11:18 pm

This NIGHT post is the last section (excluding the requisite dream of course) I did not plan. The following sections are much better. Though I will say this about the NIGHT: It is the unhinging of Brian Tanner. It kinda goes down hill for him for...oh...about the next 24 hours. Things pick up speed REALLY fast, and the next DAY is intense. And it addresses some things Wetmonkey was talking about.

Wetmonkey:Such flattery is excessive. I'm merely a humble scribe, scribbling down the random thoughts that flash through my head like so many evanescent sparks. That said, thank you much. :)

WaterWolf:Glad you like it!

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Thu Jul 20, 2006 11:19 pm

Given my eratic schedule for tomorrow, I'm going to post its entry presently. I also want to take this opportunity to remind everyone that Outcasts is rated PG-13, in this case for language, a description of violence, thematic elements, brief suggestive dialogue, and brief (legal, but not advisable) drug use.

Only a handful of weeks to go...I'm kinda sad...

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Fri Jul 28, 2006 9:52 am

NIGHT posted. It furthers my theory of a story about people, rather than a fight. I don't know what else to say about this one other than...it's intense. Comments welcome.

Next week however is the last DAY section. Lots of fighting, very personal, on the ground sort of stuff. I may have to post it in 3 parts instead of the usual 2.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Thu Aug 03, 2006 11:38 pm

The final battle is up. Took four entries to break it up to the point where it was post-able. In my Word file, it runs 32 pages, just for that DAY section alone. I hope it's worth the read. Oh yeah, BTW, I experienced some difficulty getting everything pasted in correctly - if anyone notices anything off, please let me know.

Wetmonkey:In addition to this DAY, whatdya think of Melissa's day and night? I remember you'd been saying I'd kinda dropped that plotline...

There's just a little bit more to go in this story, and then I post the soundtrack and factsheet, and start hinting at my next epic posting. I'm kinda sad this is nearing "over."

Comments from any and all are much appreciated.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

wetmonkey442
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Post by wetmonkey442 » Fri Aug 04, 2006 8:37 am

Sorry for the lack of reviews, I just go around to reading all the posts I'd missed while I was gone this morning.

Very impressive! The sheer size of the entries I missed makes it a little hard for me to review the story peicemeal, as that review would probably be a few pages long. How about I make a deal with you? I'll wait until you've finished the entire story, and then write a gigantic review for you, encompassing the entire story, dealing with characters , battles, and the way the plot ran). I can tell you right now, I like what you did with Brian and Elissa's relationship, though you started referring to her as "Melissa" right out of the blue, which got me confused for a few seconds. The only beef I have is with the conflict between Alan and Brian at the end over Elissa. Not that I oppose that sort of content in a story, I was certainly expecting Elissa to be thought of as such, with certainly less alludement than you used, however it seems a bit inconsistent with the way your wrote the story earlier. Before, it felt as if you wanted to play it safe with the matter of Elissa, now it seems your writing the story a bit more raw and real. I like it, it just doesn't align perfectly with earlier parts.

I'll write a bit more later.
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Post by Adrian » Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:12 am

If you're looking for the story of Brian Tanner's week fighting in the jungle and the events leading up to it, this is the end. If you're looking for all the loose ends to be tied up in the story of Brian Tanner's immediate life, there's a little bit left to go.

This weeks NIGHT section is primarily concerned with tying off the story enough that those unconcerned with the bigger picture can reach the end. It's also primarily concerned with weirdness, specifically, the kind instigated by the ever-oddball Keith Slate.

Wetmonkey:Glad you liked it. The gigantic review sounds awesome. Can't wait. Re:The Conversation...I wrote and rewrote that more than any other part. More specific, less specific, I made the final edits about half an hour before posting. The point wasn't to show that I can write adult content, it was to show what an *expletive* Alan is and to give Brian a kind of system shock, slap him in the face with some reality.

Adrian
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Post by isoaker » Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:15 am

Now I really got to catch up on my reading. How many hundreds of pages has this story topped now? I really enjoy your writing and reading the story so far has been great. I just have been horribly swamped these days. More on that one day. :goofy:

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Post by Adrian » Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:48 am

Glad you're enjoying it. 255 pages at last count, I think the number posted is around 210.

And if you think this is big and epic...you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Thu Aug 17, 2006 11:28 pm

Posted the Interregnum. Nothing about water-warfare, but tons about the characters. All good stories end in death.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Scavenger » Fri Aug 18, 2006 8:37 pm

Good story, I like it. But the ends of the last two posts just sort of left the reader hanging, and I found that weird. Is the interregnum the last post? That's a short ending, if it is (at least to me).

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Post by Adrian » Fri Aug 18, 2006 10:51 pm

Glad you liked it. Always good to get positive feedback.

The first ending is just that - the first ending. It's where you stop reading if you don't care about character development, and tying off the loop. If this goes up on Isoaker.com, that's probably the ending that'll get used.

Now if you're interested in character development and want to see some really cool stuff, get all the loose ends tied together, you read beyond the end. As for whether or not that's the last post, I don't want to sound like a jerk, but look up the word "interregnum." It's a really fun word, I use it occasionally ever since I learned what it means. Or you could just wait and see if I post anything next Friday. :p Yes, this will end sometime. Maybe it already did...

Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Thu Aug 24, 2006 11:09 pm

Posted the final part. Rated PG-13 (undeserved, but being careful) for thematic elements, brief language, and brief adult content.

There's a hitch to this though, you gotta re-read it from the beginning to understand the significance of the ending. At least, I think you do (and consider the music when you read it, because the music is really influenced by the scenes). Soundtrack and fact sheet will be posted here presently.

All comments, criticisms, and general discussion is appreciated.

Adrian

EDIT:Soundtrack and fact sheet posted. Lots of in-jokes and stuff below.




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Post by Adrian » Thu Aug 24, 2006 11:11 pm

Fact Sheet:I originally wrote this story as a contest. Airsoft/paintball were dead, killed by over-zealous parents and traitorous congresscritters, waterwarfare is a team/spectator sport, big company holds a contest to get its popularity up. Lots of the characters were the same. Brian was the same. Jack was the same, though he was an amalgamation of Jack, Glenn and Sheridan. Elissa was named Jade, and was a spoiled brat in it for kicks, that we'd keep running into and eventually team up with. Alan was in it, Jade's idiot ex-boyfriend. The basic plot was this 24-ish story;every two hours starting at midnight the teams have to find a new key, until ten the next night, when the keys would be used to unlock doors leading to the prize (I was never able to define it, come up with something plausible) at the top of a high-rise skyscraper. I couldn't get the technology to work right though. I had the water pistols reloading out of canisters (Syygs, which made it into the story in a modified form) but the water was filled with chemicals which were counted by technologically advanced t-shirts the contestants wore, which would deactivate their guns when they got soaked - "died." Had pretty much the whole thing plotted, but I just couldn't draw it all together technology-wise.

Jack Butler is the name of the devil's guitarist (played by a feral looking Steve Vai) in the dreadful 80s movie Crossroads. Figured an edgy character like that was a great inspiration for the edgy character that became Jack. Glenn was originally supposed to be named Glynn, after a villian from the Dennis Lehane novel "Darkness, Take My Hand." I really liked that name. Unfortunately, I eventually decided it was too recognizable as belonging to that book, and went with a slightly modified version. Petrovski is a name from an excellent old computer game called Alien Legacy – a scientist who invented a scanner to look for alien artifacts. The last name Vargas is borrowed from a villain in an ancient seaQuest DSV book, Fire Below.

Jack's Kerambit knife is used by Frank Castle at the end of The Punisher (2004). Additionally, Punisher fans (like myself) should recognize Brian's Llama M-87 as Frank's signature gun, according to http://www.punishermovie.com. In reality, Frank's signature gun is a Colt (or variant, though probably not a Kimber) 1911 with an improbably designed compensator at the end of the barrel. Jamie's stocked Syyg is a copy of the stocked Glock (looks like a two-tone 17/18/20/21/22) that appears in only two Punisher scenes. I actually saw a real one at a gunshow once. Very cool. Ok, enough rambling.

The song Elissa listens to in Brian's Avalanche is actually called "You All Everybody" not "You Are Everybody." It's taken from the hit tv show "Lost." One of the main characters was in a band called "Driveshaft;" "You All Everybody" was their main hit. "Hands Of Time" which is mentioned numerous times throughout the story, is a real song. I wrote it. In a different life, I'm a songwriter for a possibly defunct internet band (no one seems to know where our lead singer went or if she quit when she got married or if, as her roommate tells us, she died). We've written and recorded one or two songs, and were planning on putting out an album. Not bad for a bunch of barely-adults from all corners of the globe.

Jamaican root beer is from a seaQuest DSV episode. In one of the first episodes of the series, the dolphin Darwin gets sick. Bridger and Lucas take him to an eccentric dolphin doctor, who offers Bridger "Jamaican root beer" and Lucas real beer. "He's sixteen!"Bridger protests. "His best friend is dying, I'll bring him two!" responds the doctor. I remember it going something like that. Great dialogue.

The "Been There, Done That" game was inspired by the drinking game played by Kate and Sawyer in the "Lost" episode "Outlaws" (1x16, I believe). I inverted the rules for the story. It's also a tip of that hat to the way both "couples" keep beating around the bush.

Cup Of Soup (or whatever it's called) was a nod to the Pretender episode in which Jarod gets a crush on the Profiler. *shakes head* Tv cross-overs.

The fight was originally supposed to take place at a family reunion at a park, then at Brian's graduation party. It was also supposed to involve Will and Alan, back before I decided Will was going to be a "good guy." Chronologically, I couldn't make the events work, so I moved everything around. Also, some of the moves have been choreographed from the excellent Enterprise episode "North Star" and the Star Wars:X-Wing book "Starfighters Of Adumar."

The computer setup Brian uses at school is based on the system used by Precrime Agent Tom Cruise in the incredibly boring movie Minority Report. I crossed it with a "smart" whiteboard used by one of my college teachers. They are, I think, called Smart Boards.

The "permanent party zone," Vertigo, is named after the bar or whatever referenced in the U2 song of the same name, about a guy who falls for a girl at a place called "Vertigo." The actual design of the place owes tons to the engine room and warp core of Voyager from Star Trek.

The gun given to Brian by his uncle Max is used by one of the main characters in the superb L. Neil Smith novel "The American Zone." He went into an inordinate amount of detail describing it (I assume for the sake of promoting its real-life counterpart), so I referenced it. Additionally, the Fully Informed Jury Association is real, and is deserving of support or at least a look-up.

Jared, Sam, and Craig were all borrowed from my previous story. I decided to add some continuity and see if anyone would notice. Additionally, they were in the right spot at the right time (Sam's graduation in Florida, which fits chronologically with the information given at the end of "WW5"). I gave Jared the skull shirt to make him more recognizable.

The Black Arrow, Enemies Foreign And Domestic, and Brimstone are all real books. Most excellent books, if I do say so myself. Which reminds me, Jamie's last name, Bowman, is the last name of the main character in the incredible novel Unintended Consequences, which is similar in plot to The Black Arrow and EFAD. Which reminds me further, Andrew (Jack's son in Brian's dream) is named for the main character of The Black Arrow. Which reminds me even further, Alan Caine is the name of Henry Bowman’s best friend in Unintended Consequences.

Keith was originally named Constantine. Then the movie came out (dreadful except for the bit surrounding Reeves cutting his wrists at the end) and Marioulis did well on American Idol, and I didn't want people to mistakenly think I was copying those sources. The detailed description of Keith's facepaint (singling out that one streak for example) is a nod towards a television character that inspired a lot of his behavior. If you've been a part of pop culture in the past 10 years, there's a chance you'll know who it is. His single repeated line is also a, uh, bastardization of this character's "catchphrase." No, I'm not telling who it is.

The "shoot twice, advance, shoot high" trick used multiple times throughout the story was taken from the hitman played by Tom Cruise in the incredibly stylish crime flick "Collateral." It’s called the Mozambique Drill. Performing this after sweeping an opponents gun out of the way (ala uncle Max and Sheridan) is taken from the scene in which two thugs steal Vincent's briefcase from the cab parked in the alley.

The misquoting-in-the-dream of the line from The Last Samurai ("I will die by the sword...my own...or my enemy's" turned to "YOU will die by the sword...YOUR own...or YOUR enemy's") was taken word for word from a nightmare I had that was very similar to Brian's. Hope it doesn't mean nothin'.

The flag used by Brian's team is a Gadsden flag, one of the first flags flown in the independent American colonies. It depicts a coiled serpent over the words "Don't Tread On Me." A modified Gadsden flag appears on the cover of EFAD, the serpent wrapped around an AR-15 rifle.

Keith's memory crossing trick was borrowed from the Preston/Child Pendergast books. FBI Agent Pendergast is supposedly a master of the discipline of Chongg Ran, which allows the practioner to reconstruct entire worlds in their head. It fit right in with Keith's weird, mystical behavior. In addition, the martial arts he uses, which appear to have been stolen from the movie Equilibrium, are very real. I forget the name, but the techniques used by him and "John Preston" in the movie are called Trapping. It's possible for two people to "fight" this way and NOT injure/shoot each other as long as they've practiced the "move" and martial arts together for a long time. Of course, Keith didn't want to NOT shoot the people he was fighting, so it works. Don't bother trying this in real life. It's best confined to works of fiction and schools of martial arts.

Yes, the comment Keith makes regarding drug abuse in cultures that allow the free, ritualized use of drugs is completely true. It's only where substances are banned that they are abused to the extent of becoming a widespread cultural problem, additionally involving massive underground business and common government corruption. See:Prohibition, 1930s. IMPORTANT NOTE: Before I get accused of being the next Tom Cruise, I didn't give Jamie depression and her medication problems to show any "evils" of anti-depressants. If anti-depressants help you get through the day, great. I merely used this plot to show how...different...Keith and his friend were.

I really took a page from the tv show Lost by “relating” the characters to each other. Brian and Jack working for Keith’s family, Jamie buying a knife from Sheridan because of the Jack-instigated brawl with Alan, Sheridan selling a fake ID to Elissa’s old boyfriend. I hope the reader realizes how much I tried to tie this group of people together, how hard I tried to weave everything tight. Another “Lost” nod is the number of “in jokes” and clues I gave throughout the story line. The number of team members at various stages of joining can be found pretty much any place there are numbers listed, for example. Yet another “Lost” nod is giving each character (or just about) their own time in the spotlight instead of focussing on one character exclusively.

Some readers may take issue at the fact that the weaponry isn’t as varied in this story as it was in my last. This is somewhat unintentional, somewhat intentional. Were water-warfare ever to undergo as powerful an upgrade as I hypothesize, those who were serious about it would find themselves sticking to one or two brands/types – whatever the best was. Like a gunowner I ran into said “When you bet your life on a gun, it’d better come from Germany” (he was referring to the Sig Sauer P226). Likewise, similarly dedicated water-warfare enthusiasts would seek out the best and use it exclusively. Not only would they stick with the best, but IMO, there wouldn’t be tons of variation – the US military hands out a ton of M16s and 9mms, but very few .45s or shotguns. Those less enthusiastic about it would buy whatever was cheapest/looked coolest/was hyped most (see Will’s team, they’ve all got 2005 and before era guns). Also, it was easier to write when I didn’t have to invent 3 years and two different technologies worth of product lines.

If you’re interested in seeing something kind of cool, look up (on a website like gunbroker.com) the firearms possessed by the various characters throughout the story. Everything kind of relates to the characters, tells something about their personality.

To redo it, I’d have explored the friendship between Glenn and Sheridan, and Glenn and Xavier a little more, maybe focussed on Xavier in a few more scenes. I would’ve given Jamie, and/or Jack a bad habit, like smoking. It fits my mental image of Jack, but it seems to fit Jamie’s personality more – doing something knowingly harmful because she feels like it:The ultimate expression of free will. Elissa would’ve been…tougher…over a “softer,” more feminine personality…maybe some of the stuff she’d done explored a little bit more. I have a pretty good idea what she’d done to become an “undesirable,” but I didn’t want to push the envelope TOO far (this is going on a site primarily for kids after all), though I did try to hint at it. Along with that, I would’ve focussed more on the fact that she was quite poor. That could’ve added another layer of character to her. Another “if I could go back” is focussing more on Keith and Jamie. This is, in a way, their story. I wrote Outcasts, primarily, to keep them alive. As long as people are reading this, as long as they remember it, these two characters, based on characters from…other places…will not die. I liked them too much to see them fade into history. Two more characters to whom I would’ve given more time are Will and Natacha. Maybe explored how they met, included a dropped plotline about how much Will didn’t want her to go back to her home-country (she was a foreign exchange student). Additionally, I might’ve included Keith’s unnamed sister and her boyfriend (both mentioned early on and forgotten), and used them for some lightheartedness. It would’ve been cool to see Brian experience Keith’s strangeness firsthand and then see Keith’s sister be totally unaware, maybe willfully ignorant of her brother’s…bizarre behavior. Could’ve made for some interesting character interaction.


Deleted Scenes:
An early version of the Walkways scene had a length of the ‘Walks collapsing, leading to a Star Trek:Generations-like sequence of climbing and jumping. It sounds stupid even though I’m just describing it, which is why it got nixed.

As I said before, the fistfight got reorganized in a major way. Different players, different location, Keith was supposed to show off some of his, uh, skills. Didn't fit logically or chronologically, got cut.

The characters were supposed to sit around the fire every night, and someone'd always ask a random question or two: "Why'd you decide to do this?" "What do you want to do with your life?" That sort of thing. Couldn't come up with enough questions, so I wrote most of it out. Glenn was also supposed to bring, and play, his acoustic guitar.

The original plotline was for Alan to break off with a little cadre of really expert fighters half way through, and for Brian and Will's team to join forces against them. Stupid plot really, and it got ditched in the end. Xavier was also supposed to be suspected of being a “plant,” which would lead to Sheridan’s hostile behavior towards him.

Natacha Petrovski was, originally, the daughter of a Russian Mafioso type from Boston that moved to Florida to get away from the family “business.” She and Brian were supposed to have a brief, messed up romance told only in flashbacks during the epilogue. The whole point was to show that Brian was still waiting on Elissa coming back – he wasn’t ready or willing to give up despite having someone really good in his life. When I decided to give Will a girlfriend, I canned the Brian/Natacha plot (which was admittedly weak).

The scene with Will and Tasha on the steps after the night fight was supposed to be a little longer, but I deleted a bit of it. They'd already said everything necessary, and the planned ending was just superfluous. Not only that, but the way it was, I could imagine it making some readers a little uncomfortable.

An early, heavily planned scene involved Keith and Jamie finding Brian in the woods, target shooting in the valley in about week 4. The idea was for him to show both of them how to shoot real stuff, get sidetracked in a short discussion (Keith saying "what do you really need all this stuff for?", Brian arguing with him), and then moving on to what on earth the two of them were doing nine miles out of town, wandering around in the woods. It was also supposed to show off a little bit of the character that inspired part of Keith's character. It was an unecessary scene, just political and gun talk that did nothing except give me some fun stuff to write, so I cut it.

In an early version, I’d originally planned to do a scene (around week 3 or so) where Brian’s involved in a running gunfight through the woods with masked men. I was going to reveal it was a paintball sim after he got shot. Jack was one of the masked men and he was going to discover the ravine system. The scene wasn’t necessary, and Keith gave some more interesting opportunities to the ravine area, so I scrapped it.

Way, way, WWWAAAYYY back when this was just in the planning stages, the characters didn’t have tents. They strung up blankets in the shed to create rooms for privacy. Additionally, there was a basement under the shed, a dingy cinderblock bunker built as a hiding place/supply cache by Brian and his father. It didn’t serve any real purpose in the story so I eliminated it.

Soundtrack:
Outcasts theme:Moby - New Dawn Fades
Brian's theme:Better Than Ezra - A Liftime (radio mix) / Creed – Weathered / Live - River Town / Creed - Riders On The Storm
Glenn's theme:Rage Against The Machine - Guerilla Radio / Thornley - Easy Comes
Elissa's theme:Staind - So Far Away / Nonpoint - In The Air Tonight / Default - It Only Hurts / Creed - My Own Prison
Keith's theme:Steve Vai - For The Love Of God / Goo Goo Dolls - Give A Little Bit / Staind - Reality
Jamie's theme:Nine Inch Nails - The Hand That Feeds / Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes / Creed – Wash Away The Years / CKY - Familiar Realm / Shinedown - Save Me
Sheridan's theme:Silvertide - Ain't Comin' Home / Thornley - So Far So Good / Marc Broussard - Home
Jack's theme:Gravity Kills - Blame (Escape From L.A. remix) / Evanescence - Going Under
Rachel’s theme: Nickelback - If Everyone Cared / Bon Jovi - I Am
Xavier's theme:Shinedown - All I Ever Wanted
Will's theme:Green Day - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams / Eminem - Lose Yourself
Natacha's theme: Bryan Adams – Here I Am / Lifehouse – Spin
Alan's theme:Korn – Twisted Transistor / Linkin Park – One Step Closer
Kevin RoBauer & Ming’s theme: Moby – Extreme Ways

Opening credits:Moby – New Dawn Fades
First skirmish:Creed - Bullets
Driving with Alan:Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends / Metallica - The Unforgiven
The Walkways/The Fight:Steve Vai - Speed Metal Symphony
Last Dance:Bon Jovi - Bed Of Roses
Walking/Drinking game:Audioslave - Shadow Of The Sun / Nonpoint – In The Air Tonight
Graduation party skirmish:Joe Santriani - Surfing With The Alien
Vertigo:U2 - Vertigo / Bon Jovi - Bed Of Roses / Andrew W.K. - Party Hard (Extended Intro)
Miami:Beach Boys - Kokomo / Steve Vai - Bad Horsie / Sheryl Crow - Soak Up The Sun
Sneaking through the spies:Crossfade - So Far Away
Dream sequences:Steve Vai - Halo 2 theme
Sitting in the night:Audioslave - I Am The Highway
Ambush:Fatboy Slim - Right Here, Right Now
Memory crossing:Steve Vai - For The Love Of God / Incantation
Jamie's angry:A Perfect Circle - Passive / Nickelback - Believe It Or Not
Sheridan and Jamie talking:Shinedown - Crying Out / Mudvayne - Happy? / Creed - Pity For A Dime
Chase through the jungle:Coldplay - Speed Of Sound / Michael Mann - Promentory
Filling in the clearing:Nickelback - If Everyone Cared
Chased through the jungle:Whitesnake - Crying In The Rain guitar solo
Night by the waterfall:Bee Gees – Could Not Love You More / Nickelback – Someday / Scott Stapp – Surround Me
Keith’s battle:Our Lady Peace – Angels/Losing/Sleep
Glenn’s battle:System Of A Down – Hypnotize
Last fight:Live – Sun / Coheed & Cambria – Welcome Home
Interregnum:U2 – Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own / Creed - Is This The End?
Epilogue:Theory Of A Deadman - The Last Song / Nickelback - Far Away / Bon Jovi - This Ain't A Love Song / Staind - Right Here / Goo Goo Dolls – Better Days
End credits:Steve Vai – Whispering A Prayer
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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