Story II - Comments, criticism, feedback?

[wetmonkey442]

Review of Latest Entry:

I like it, however it is not as good as previous entries. I think the best way to describe it would be a diluted example of your regular writing style. However, there are good aspects. Allow me to explain.

I found this week's entry to be a bit slower paced than the others. This is good and bad. It's good because it helps to change up the pace of the story. Such changes are always appreciated because they help to keep the reader intertested. I also liked it because I found the story progressing a bit too fast. I really appreciated the fact that after such an exiciting battle sequence, you were able to slow the action down with this latest entry. I believe you're using the writing rythm of every other post is an action, puncuated by a period of rest. This is excellent, and helps to make the story that much more stable, while keeping it unpredictable.

The bad side of this is that I felt that it was a bit too easy a read. It flowed a little too easily without forcing me to think, or in some cases, enjoy what I was reading. I'm confident you as a fellow writer understand what I'm talking about.

All in all, a well written post that helps to tie the story together. It provides helpful insight into Elissa, however, the scene at Elissa's apartment seemed a bit rushed.

Looking forward to the next entry,
wetmonkey442

[Adrian]

Thanks much for the comments.

Progressing a bit too fast? Please explain. The rhythm, if it's there, is completely unintentional. I've been telling myself / writing this story in my head for the past two years now, and I'm just posting it as I've been hearing it.

The whole Elissa thread reaches a bit of a head in the next entry (the first of Week 6) and then backs off a bit. I know when less is more and more is too much.

I think you'll be happy to know I've been playing with camera angles and plot devices all throughout Week 6, and it really shows.

Thanks again,

Adrian

[Adrian]

And so I say again: And so it begins. Because this is the shortest section of Week 6, I decided to post it for Monday, even though, by my clock, Monday doesn't begin for another hour and ten.

Week 6 and everything that comes after is rated PG-13 for violence, language, adult content, and thematic elements. Some scenes, either described or implied, may be innappropriate for younger readers. The writer does not take any responsibility for any damage or injury resulting from any attempt to duplicate any scenes described or implied.

While that sounds ominous, I'm really just covering my bases.

Enjoy.

Adrian

EDIT:The "Night" section has been slightly edited to remove any...ahem...confusion leading to off-base assumptions.



Edited By Adrian on 1147097039

[Adrian]

The first DAY section is now up. I hope y'all like it. Please comment - I'd like to know how the "other" camera angle worked out, and whether or not I did acceptably on the scale of the battle sequences. It's not up to Wetmonkey-size, but it's getting there. Please, let me know what y'all think.

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

What happened to posting every Friday?! I was all set for today's new post, and I find more than one! Not that I'm complaining....

Let me tell you, I love it. You have really gotten good. I'm actually really envious of your first person view, because it enables you to do so much more than a third person view. However, I need to say that I didn't really like the different "angle". Although seeing the battle over GLenn's head adding an interesting element to the story, it felt a little...forced...at times.

I really liked the battle sequences. The small scale, more frantic fighting definently got me interested.

My only beef lies with the nightmare sequence of Brian. Really cool, and obviously an indication of some past problem yet to be revealed. However it felt a little wierd. The conversation with Elissa following felt like the nightmare had been added in only to create a pretext for another pseudo-romantic encounter with Elissa. However your writing style has gotten really varied lately, and for all I know, it will resolve in the next entry.


Good job and keep up the good work.

By the way, you get the wetmonkey442 seal of approval for Outstanding Battlefield Depiction in a Water Warfare Story.

Soak On

[Adrian]

Thanks much. Glad I got the seal of approval. I was kind of worried there for a while.

The nightmare wasn't just to set up that nighttime encounter. If you look, it's tied to that sequence of thoughts that Brian was going through while getting his supplies together the day before. This will be a continuing storyline.

You've seen all my camera angles, but you haven't yet seen all the ways I'm going to use them...some surprising stuff coming.

The days (and nights, and fights) get longer as the week progresses, though it does slow down occasionally for character development. One of the things you have to remember when reading is that I like my main characters to come out physically and emotionally exhausted.

Thanks again,

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Latest part is...interesting. Very interesting. I read the first part in about 15 seconds, but it took me awhile to think about and digest the last part. This is obviously the flashback on the "catalyzing" moment in Brian's life, and in the way you describe it, the hints you drop are so exact that it is impossible to truly understand what exactly happened in Brian's past until you come flat out and say it.

As far as the quality of the writing: I felt it was good, but rushed. It was almost as if you hurried through the first part to write about the second part. However I could tell when I was reading it that a good part was coming up because the writing seemed a bit thin.

Keep up the good work, and let me tell you, I was literally on the edge of my seat there for a second. Literally. My desk has this bottom section that doesn't let me push the chair in all the way, and I was so into reading it, that I almost fell off of the front of my chair.

Keep it up!

Soak On

EDIT: Spelling



Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1148140258

[Adrian]

Glad you liked it. Don't hurt yourself reading though.

All shall be explained in the future. Remember everything. Thanks much.

Adrian

Edit:Argh. You've shown me a design flaw. Ok. Though it shall be shown later on, to avoid potential confusion, here's the rundown on his dream. First part - flashback. Second - modern day dream Third - dream of future. Hope this helps.



Edited By Adrian on 1148223353

[Adrian]

Wetmonkey:You didn't like it?

About 13 weeks to go until the end. About halfway through thatI'll start dispensing hints as to what's going to happen. Ah heck, here's one now. The whole thing runs Monday-Sunday. Thursday is quite possibly the most memorable of the bunch. It sets the standard for...I don't even know how to say it. Saturday has the most emotion of any day of the week - it's nearly another catalyzing moment for Brian, but in a different way than almost getting...nevermind. And Sunday is just constant warfare, the likes of which I don't think I've ever seen described.

Please comment, I'm dyin' to know what you think!

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Sorry I didn't post a reply on the second to last entry. I was sort of busy last week after school, and I lost track.

However, don't think for a moment that I didn't take the time to read the entry I missed, plus today's entry.

As far as quality of writing, grade A, as usual although the this entry was better than the last. There's no other way to say it: I REALLY liked this week's entry. Although it had little do with water warfare, this story isn't about water warfare as you have pointed out in the past, and your skill really shows. The dream sequences Brian is having are riveting to say the least and I would be lying if I told you that I wasn't thinking and hypothesing possible situations and scenarios, various pasts that might explain the haunting dreams. You've got me riveted.

As far as the water warfare goes, I really liked the battle at the end of the second to last entry. The one in the house. It had a realy urban combat feel to it, and while you didn't really take the time to detail the house or the fight, just the actions, I could really envision myself there.

However, I'm sure you would want to know if anything could be improved, so I'll tell you. My first concern is the bantering between Sheridan and Jamie. Although it obviously casts them as opposite personalities, and the differences and interchanges between them were enjoyable, such arguments have begun to become routine and almost predictable.

My other concern is with the switched view point. Although David certainely seems interesting, I'm starting to get scared that his own sub-plot and personal conflicts might clog up the main story.

Besides that great writing, great story, and as always deep characters. I love it!


By the way, Keith sort of reminds me of Bean from Ender's Game (and sequels). Not a bad thing at all.



Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1149286016

[Adrian]

Point by point discussion follows:

1.School should come first, my fiction is somewhere far down the list. I'm glad you got your priorities in the right order.

2.Glad you liked it, and I'm glad you saw what I meant when I said it's the story of people. One of the things to remember about Brian's dreams...the stuff in the swamp - it happened. Everything else is the most vivid, terrifying, realistic nightmare you've ever witnessed. Horrifying to the point where you don't want to go back to sleep, and know you can't 'cause you're so wound up.

3.I really tried to do "through the eyes" stuff, write with less description and more reaction. There's a diary entry coming (I think it's next Friday) where he comments that he can only describe so much to his journal, he never feels like he can totally capture the feel...that's me, talking through him.

4.Sheridan...hmmm...how much to tell...? I think there may be something here that you're not quite understanding, and that'd be my fault. Only thing is, I don't know what you think about him, so I risk throwing something important out for everyone if I go ahead and explain it. Suffice it to say that within the week, something's going to happen and Sheridan ain't gonna be so tough any more. He cares for people, that's one of his many secrets. And he does rash/stupid stuff when the people he REALLY cares for are in danger.

5.Keith is...complicated. As is Jamie. I'd prefer that everyone go into this with absolutely no preconceived notions of them, but...steel yourself/ves for complete and absolute strangeness. I mean a 90 degree left turn of the "on a dime" variety. What you've seen so far with those two is the tip of the iceburg.

Glad you're likin' it so far. Comments make me glad I write. Thanks much.

Adrian

[Adrian]

Ok, this is a first. Had to break it into two parts because DAY is too long for one post. So scroll up and read PT1 first, ok?

Hope y'all enjoy.

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Nice job, as usual. I felt as though the conflict between Jack and Brian didn't seem very consistent, in the sense that Jack seems to value Brian's friendship a lot at some points, and then not at all at others. Perhaps this is a character-trait of Jack that has yet to have been truly shown, but as is the case with most things, this will be revealed with time.

I've gotten the feel of the way you're writing the fight scenes. Very nice, I like it a lot. It definently has the feel of a real water fight, and you're able to capture the scene with suprising clarity. As usual, subtle literary puns, and fantastic figurative language is constant and makes the reading very interesting. I really enjoy reading it every weekend.

Keep up the good work.



Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1150036675

[Adrian]

Glad you liked it.

I've always thought of Jack as more in touch with his "animal" side than most people are. That's how I tried to write him. When he gets angry, he lashes out, holds a grudge. When the people he cares about are threatened, he doesn't care what he has to do to protect them. To his mind, Brian's ditching him, completely dropping their friendship over an ill-considered out-of-the-blue job prospect.

Subtle literary puns and fantastic figurative language...that's probably my favorite compliment that I've gotten from you. Thank you very much.

The week after next is when it kicks into high gear, all my personal-favorite parts start showing up one after another. After that is when I also start dispensing hints. A mere eleven weeks to go until it's over...right in time for soaking season to end and school to start.

Thanks much!

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Okay, read through the latest entry. It was pretty good, your writing powers are as always very good. I felt as though this section was a little thinner than most, less content, less interesting character developments, and more face value enjoyment. This worked out well for the scene where Keith shoots the heck out of Will and his goons (always wanted to use that word), but works out less well for the scene where Jack and Brian forgive and forget (in varying degrees of effectiveness, make no mistake Adrian, I read past the page). Overall a good, short entry, which covers an enjoyable scene (the shooting of the pneumatic cannon), and a scene of the intergrity of a vital friendship which I think wasn't written as well as usual.

Sorry for the crits, keep up the good work!

[Adrian]

Thanks much! Glad you liked it (er, parts of it).

Re:a lack of character development, not everything can be deep and introspective ALL the time. Well, maybe if one is Matthew Stover...

Oh man, the next DAY is make-or-break...it's in the top four most important entries of Week 6. With the following NIGHT being in that category too.

Thanks as always,

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Wow, you certainly have raised the bar a bit. The latest entry certainly dropped me in hot and heavy with the drama and action, and lemme tell you, I enjoyed every sentence. Some sentences better than others, but overall an outstanding job.

The dream sequence at the beginning to this entry was much much longer than any of the previous entries, and that change in size (even though I know you're ramping up for the exciting conclusion), felt a little awkward. I guess that I was not used to reading such a long and detailed dream sequence, although I do admire your ability to weave a compelling story and interesting writing style without dropping too many hints, or foreshadowing. In some instances this was a little frustrating and occasionally, I feel as if you're withholding too much of Brian's past, waiting to the end to drop it all, which is good.

You're increasing your descriptive prowess, which I like (being the kind of writer I am). I fidn it easier to imagine the settings and situations better than in previous entries without being hit over the head with five adjectives per noun.

You got me on the edge of my seat, along with anyone else who is reading this story. Great job, and keep up the good work!

Soak On

[Adrian]

Glad you liked it! I think that NIGHT section that was last posted is probably my favorite. It was certainly one of my favorites to write.

I hope the "payoff" at the end that you speak of is worthy of the buildup...I thought so.

What did you think of the DAY section?

The great religious icons decided to settle, once and for all, their superiority by holding a 24 hour programming contest. For hours Satan, Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed toil over their keyboards, frantically clicking and typing. The deadline draws nearer and nearer. With five minutes left to go, a thunderstorm appears and a bolt of lightning hits their building, plunging the room into blackness. When the lights and computers come back on, Satan, Buddha, and Mohammed frantically try to locate their programs, which, it appears were destroyed in the strike. Jesus calmly clicks through his program, which is complete. How is this possible, the others ask. Simple - Jesus saves.

Moral of the joke:Always save and backup your work. When my laptop went on the fritz this morning, I had JUST transferred over (last night) all my incredibly important material - including this story, the one I'm working on, and my in-progress work of real fiction. (no, I'm not a deity) All my passwords are preserved, character background workups, everything except the outlines for two books, and those are all still upstairs, if you know what I mean. If they have to wipe my harddrive or replace the laptop due to irrepairability, I'm set. It'll suck, but I'm relatively good to go. Whether or not my posting schedule will be interrupted remains to be seen - I get the laptop back in early August(hopefull), I may not be able to resume posting the story before that. If not, I've left y'all on a great cliffhanger. I'll try though, honest.

Thanks much,

Adrian



Edited By Adrian on 1151801547

[wetmonkey442]

I did read the day section, just never got around to replying about it, sorry. I'll see if I can put comething together tomorrow.

Sorry to hear about computer problems. Funny joke, which I'm sure is universally used/exchanged.

[Adrian]

Sorry for the delay, not having my laptop is screwing with my writing.

I'd still really like to hear your thoughts on Keith's/Jamie's DAY. That one was quite memorable to write.

Thanks in advance,

Adrian