Story II - Comments, criticism, feedback?

Water warfare tactical scenarios, role-playing threads, and fictional stories.
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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Tue May 03, 2005 2:55 pm

Posted Friday's section. I'm starting to wonder if anyone's reading this anymore. Last time around, lots of people commented. Even a "Good/Bad/Otherwise" would be appreciated.

Adrian

PS The size is now 259k. By comparison, Story 1 was only about 180k. And I've still got a third to go. :oo:




Edited By Adrian on 1115150247
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Forceuser
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Post by Forceuser » Wed May 04, 2005 10:48 am

Well, it seems the story has taken a darker turn now. As usual, I enjoyed it; I like your style of writing and this was another good quality section. There's not much I can say for bad, but I did get slightly lost during the water fight in/on the walkways. I suppose battle is hectic and that there isn't really any other way you could do it, but still.
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Post by wetmonkey442 » Thu May 05, 2005 7:09 pm

As usual great job. I really enjoyed reading this one. No offense but your first story lost me. It was a combination of the fact that I didn't start reading it when you started posting it and that the overall story/plot is much more interesting in this one. Great job and keep it up!
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Post by Adrian » Fri May 06, 2005 1:11 pm

Forceuser:Thanks! I wish I could say I wrote the 'walk part as some sort of commentary on the rush of battle or something like that...it just turned out a bit confusing - not what I'd intended. As for the writing style, I'm going to give out a bit of info and say that for the week long battle, I'll be changing the style occasionally.

Wetmonkey:Thanks! I know the first story is a little...too...something. I wrote it (unfortunately) like a camera crew got dropped in behind me and my friends for 5 hours, which means at the end, hardly any of the characters are remembered. I wanted to write this one so that when it ended (and it'll have an ending that no one expects) you KNOW the characters. And I wanted to have a plot behind it - writing plot twists exclusively about a waterfight is juvenile and more than a little dumb - there needs to be a story about people. I've actually dealt with some of the issues I'm writing about here.

Adrian

Edit:New part today.




Edited By Adrian on 1115403190
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue May 10, 2005 8:12 pm

New section today. Not tons of new stuff though.

Any of you hear what the producers say about the show "Lost?" That nearly everything is significant, there are easter eggs everywhere? You should treat my story the same. :;):

For example...what significance is Jack's full name? Hint, it's from a movie that came out before most of the people here were born. Pay attention to the numbers as well. Nearly everything's connected if you pay attention.

Next week:A team member comes back. Another meeting with the enemy. A skirmish in a park. Saturday doesn't turn out as planned. And the storyline that seemed so quickly wrapped up in this section WILL come back.

Adrian

Edit:Edited to add more information.




Edited By Adrian on 1115774112
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Sat May 14, 2005 8:43 pm

Important section that I posted on Friday. Sets the rest of the week up...and introduces the first "important" number. 48. Just to be clear, the enemy team counts aren't important. If you read the first section, and then this last one, you'll have all the info you need to figure it out.

All comments appreciated. Thanks,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue May 17, 2005 8:24 am

New section today. Not much info, but it sets up and influences quite a bit down the road. I'm really trying to tie everything together.

All comments and criticism, are as always, appreciated.
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Fri May 20, 2005 2:30 pm

New section today...more info than last time, and sets stuff up a bit.

As always, all comments/criticisms are welcome. Thanks,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Forceuser » Sat May 21, 2005 3:56 am

Not much I can say, except keep up the good work! :p Oh, and you posted it twice, BTW.
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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Sat May 21, 2005 11:08 am

Double post fixed. Thanks for alerting me, as well as the compliment. Anybody else want to comment?

Thanks,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue May 24, 2005 10:22 am

New section for today. Let me know what y'all think. Thanks,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by wetmonkey442 » Wed May 25, 2005 8:19 am

Great! This story is really developing nicely. As a fellow writer, however I would like to impress upon you my one and only concern for the story.

The theme of violence in the story concerns me a bit. Not because I have something against violence in stories, but merely because it doesn't fit in all too-well with the water warfare theme. I could see your point in trying to make the teenager aspects and life style of the story as realistic as possible, and the scene of fighting between you and the college kids was nicely written and helped to advance the story, however I feel that the theme is being pushed a little bit lately.

Just my thoughts.

Keep up the good work!
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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Wed May 25, 2005 11:52 am

Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate it.

Your concerns are good to hear, since I appreciate getting feedback. Without knowing it, you've helped me decide where at least one plot is going. :cool:

Everything has a purpose in this story...the fight was not to show that I was writing for an older audience, it was to explore part of Jack and Brian's friendship, as well as a look inside their minds. Show the loyalty between them and their friends, and also set up some minor...debts, if you will...with other people. Plus the extent of Brian's minor injuries added a another thread through the story...everything's connected.

The stuff with Alan...this really has been his week, hasn't it? He won't be back for a while and...how do I explain this...well, you'll learn more on Friday, I promise. I wanted to introduce an amoral character...not someone IMmoral, but amoral, someone who does anything to win...this WILL eventually rub HIS friends the wrong way... A whole bunch of stuff is being set up that will appear in the final week.

And don't worry...the next few weeks are pretty normal. I think a visit to a sports-store's gun department (and even that visit sets stuff up) is about as edgy as it gets.

Thanks again,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by isoaker » Fri May 27, 2005 9:37 am

Just spent some time catching up on the story. My reality's been keeping me rather busy, but 'tis nice to have some 'escape' time every now and then. I'm really enjoying the story, the feeling of realism, the interesting interpersonal interactions, and, of course, your writing style. Definitely set for a slightly older audience, but that's also the audience I'd like to see more of in Soakerdom as well. I'd also like to point out that you're definitely setting a higher bar on what to expect from a water warfare story. I'm enjoying the read much more than your first one. As you summarized above, your first story ran more like a news-team chasing a story whereas this one is developing more like a good novel/movie epic. Keep it up!

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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Mon May 30, 2005 3:31 pm

Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate the vote of confidence.

Just started writing week 6 yesterday...it starts off totally different than everything before it, and there's a "device" that runs through that I'm interested in trying out. You mentioned you liked the interpersonal interactions...lots of cool stuff coming, some kinda weird stuff but cool nonetheless.

I'm up to over 330k, and I just started week 6. This may clock in at about 450-500k. :oo:

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue May 31, 2005 10:46 am

New section today. Sets up a whole bunch of stuff...

Comments are, as always, appreciated. Thanks,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue Jun 07, 2005 8:32 am

New section today. As always, all comments are much appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Wed Jun 22, 2005 8:15 pm

Due to events that are not completely under my control, the posting of new material will be somewhat sporadic, though there will be two new additions each week until week 6. At that point, additions will stop until the story is finished, then will resume at a pace of one per week.

Comments are, as always, appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by wetmonkey442 » Sun Jun 26, 2005 1:07 pm

Hey,
Just finished reading up on what I've missed. Good so far, so I feel that you may be rushing through things a little bit fast. Personal preference though, and maybe you're trying to get to a good part. The only part that bothers is the little bit about the hand guided computer. Although I know the technology is out there, and certainly possible in 2008, it adds a sense of unrealism to the story that degrades from the overall quality IMHO. Great story, though! Keep up the good work!




Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1119809253
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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Thu Jun 30, 2005 7:22 pm

Thanks for the kind comments. I appreciate it.

The screen was actually inspired by something one of my college class teachers used - it's not that far out there...

The story ends, for the moment, next Friday. I'm working diligently on this though, and should have the whole thing wrapped up by the end of summer. (I'd better, school & work will be tough to write around) I'm up to day 2 of the big war...some kind of cool stuff...and an ending to the story that no one's going to expect...an "open" ending shall I say.

Thanks again,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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