Story II - Comments, criticism, feedback?

Water warfare tactical scenarios, role-playing threads, and fictional stories.
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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Fri Mar 18, 2005 3:37 pm

Just posted Week 1 Day 1 of Story II in the appropriate forum. I'm going to try to run this like a tv show. I'll post each section on a certain day each week, taking time off for major holidays. There'll be a new Day every Tuesday and Friday until/and if I run out of material, after which there'll be a long pause while I type up some more.

I'm still not totally sure I'm going to finish this, or if I do, post all of it. Just warnin' ya in case you see a heartfelt apology here in the future. :;):

So what do y'all think? Detailed reviews (comments/criticism of dialogue, characters etc.) would be wonderful.

Coming during Week 1:Three people join, 2 of whom may not stay. The opposing team gains more members. A skirmish. Work on the fort. A possible future weapon.

Adrian




Edited By Adrian on 1111340752
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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isoaker
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Post by isoaker » Sun Mar 20, 2005 12:14 pm

Good start: nice little intro to parts of the different characters' personas. Of course, since not much has been revealed about what is to come, can't comment much more just yet. :goofy: However, so far so good...

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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:05 am

Today's update is a short journal entry. Due to the approaching Easter holiday, I'll post Friday's section tomorrow. I promise it'll be long and more interesting. :laugh:

Thanks,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Wed Mar 23, 2005 9:02 am

Wednesday has been posted. Let me know what y'all think.

There won't be another entry till the Tuesday after Spring Break, so about 2 weeks.

Thanks much,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by wetmonkey442 » Wed Mar 23, 2005 3:44 pm

Good job so far. You writing style is nice, and the story interesting. I like the complex character of keith. A geek wouldn't have a very good grip, or perhaps I was just reading wrong. No matter, it is a very good stroy nonetheless.

I'm probably going to have to write a story now, as the UWS is a never ending project.

Good Job, and I look forward to reading more :)

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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Wed Mar 23, 2005 7:20 pm

Glad y'all are liking it. It's nice to get some feedback.

Wetmonkey:You think Keith is complex now...let's just say I like messing with conventions... :;): There's another character coming that's nice and complex, a blast to write too...

Thanks again,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Thu Mar 24, 2005 9:00 am

I goofed up. Forgot part of Wednesday.

This is the last update for a week, I promise! :D

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:24 am

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of hiding...IT'S BAAACCKK!!! :D :p

Thursday's section has been posted. Let me know what you think.

Thanks in advance,

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by isoaker » Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:14 pm

Woohooo! New installments (but just curious about those 'c:/...' things in the posts).

Will read when I get a chance and comment on afterwards.

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Post by Adrian » Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:17 pm

The C Prompt is the location on Brian Tanner's hard drive of the journal that he keeps in MicroSoft Word. I thought including the location added to the realism.

Glad you like it so far.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Fri Apr 08, 2005 8:15 am

The Friday installment is up. A skirmish, as well as backstory on the technology and culture. Check it out, let me know what you think.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Forceuser » Fri Apr 08, 2005 1:07 pm

It's all good so far. There's just one think I don't like...but it has nothing to do with your writing. Basically everyone is armed with a Calypso and two Falcons. I would prefer it if there was a bit of variety, so some people had power, others range, etc. Otherwise, everyone is armed with a "super gun" and quoting The Incredibles "when everyone's super, no one is". IMHO it would make it more interesting, but anyway, it's still really good.
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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:15 pm

*grins* I don't like to post everything all at once...things shall develop...you'll see.

Anyone else want to comment?

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue Apr 12, 2005 2:19 pm

Posted Saturday's section this morning. Probably not the best written, but definitely necessary.

I calculated it all out, and if I manage to write all that I'm planning on, and follow my posting schedule, I'll finish the story sometime in September or October (I think). If I ran it one post a week (more like a tv show), it'd be well into next year.

And just to clear up a little confusion...or sow some...just about everything is connected. Even some of the numbers used in later posts have significance if you can figure out the pattern...

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Fri Apr 15, 2005 11:30 am

Posted Sunday's section. Let me know what y'all think.

A cookie to whoever can tell me the origin of Jack's full name.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:22 pm

Just posted Week II, Day I. This is the most intense week outside of the weeklong fight.

A preview of coming attractions:Sheridan leaves the team. The team gains a new member. A second skirmish in a really cool environment. Increasing power. A resort to fisticuffs.

Feedback on what I've posted so far would be awesome!

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by isoaker » Fri Apr 22, 2005 9:55 am

Woohooo! A new part added today!

Anyhow, I'm enjoying the read thusfar, but am looking forward to things to come. I enjoy your writing style, but will admit I still prefer doing more comments once more is written. :goofy:

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Adrian
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Post by Adrian » Fri Apr 22, 2005 1:04 pm

Actually, comments would be great even if you consider them premature - I'd like to know where to take the story, what characters to focus on, stuff like that.

Anybody want to give some feedback?

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Tue Apr 26, 2005 2:28 pm

Posted Wednesday this morning. My favorite so far that I've written. Lots of loose ends to tie up later...

Just to be fair, I'm giving a warning. Wednesday through Saturday are rated PG-13 for violence, language, and thematic elements. Nothing too intense, but I'm treading on the safe side.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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Post by Adrian » Fri Apr 29, 2005 3:42 pm

Posted Thursday today. I'm interested in what people think of this one.

Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.

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