Story II - Comments, criticism, feedback?

[Adrian]

Oh yeah. I will keep commenting. I haven't for the new entries because its been mostly mapmaking stuff. Rest assured, I'll have stuff to say.

Adrian

[Adrian]

Thursday through Saturday are rated PG-13 for violence, language, adult content, and thematic elements.

Adrian

[Adrian]

Half through the already-posted stuff. Anybody have any comments?

I'm thisclose to finishing it. It's danged frustrating because I want to get it just right, and its taking me forever because I can't write much at one time.

Please let me know what you think of the stuff already up,

Adrian

[XP20Warrior]

Its all right take your time. As my english teacher says, writing is a fine art. Done properly and with finesse, it will have the exact effect you want with it.

[Adrian]

Finished it last night. Well, not totally. I've got to go back and edit/adjust like mad for a while, I'll probably keep that up till it's all posted, but everything major is done.

Adrian

[Adrian]

Ok. I went back and added two sections, then looked at the ending and ripped it out, rewrote that. With the exception of correcting typos, it IS finished. Clocks in at 250 pages in MSWord, at I think, 10-12 point font, 1.3MB exactly. A few more pages and it wouldn't fit on a floppy diskette. Cool.

I thought I'd get a day off from this writing thing. However, it seems my mind has a few more stories to chug out before I turn my hand to my first entry into the world of professional writing. Dang.

Adrian

Edit:Edited to fix the spelling of my name and say that spring break has hit, thus we'll have a week or two of "reruns" in the spirit of the tv show-like nature of the story.



Edited By Adrian on 1142917276

[isoaker]

250 pages?! So, when does the sequel come out?

I need to catch up on where I had last read up to. I think I'd need a good hour or two to read it all. However, based on what I've read so far, I'm sure to enjoy it!

[Adrian]

Funny you should mention a sequel. It won't be posted here, but I'm hopeful someday you'll be able to pick it up in either paperback or hardcover. That'll come about third on my to-do list, 'less'n the reaper intervenes in the interregnum, right after the crime/political/revenge drama and the science fiction novel.

I would not however, discount the possibility of a prequel showing up here within two years.

Please let me know what you think once you've caught up on your reading.

Adrian

[Scavenger]

I think it's great, it's nice and long too (I like long stories, as long as the story is progressing as a good speed). Keep up the good work.

When's the next update?

[Adrian]

Sorry for not getting back quicker. I'm glad you like it, please stay tuned for more. This "more" will be coming again soon, starting either next Monday or Friday (I'm not sure which I'll choose). Once week six starts, everything after that will continue at a rate of one entry every Friday until the end.

Again, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Adrian

[Adrian]

And so it begins. Barring any unforseen events, nonstop posting from here to the end. Might even throw in a "two-hour special" like tv shows do, every once in a while. As always, comments are much appreciated.

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Sorry I haven't been around much lately, I had things going on.

Wow! I have to say Adrian, I am blown away. This story has really gotten exciting, and the fact that you have finished it only makes me more anxious to read the rest.

Keep on posting!

Soak On

[Adrian]

Glad you're enjoying it. Wait until Week 6, you'll really dig it...and I'm expecting entry by entry reviews from you!

How much did you read last time around?

Argh. There's so much I wish I could give away...I'd love to just post the whole thing now, but there'd be no suspense then, no building, no payoff. I'd love to update you guys as to what I'm up to now, but that'd ruin everything. Tell ya what...when this story is completely posted, I'll post an update on what I'm doing now, ask for some info, spill just a few of the beans. OTOH, IMHO, there's no middle ground when it comes to what I've written, so you guys may ask me not to write anything else/excommunicate me once this is all posted. Again, there's so much I wish I could say.

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Entry by entry reviews? You got it.

However, I still retain the title of the original war story master.

I love your style of writing, and I'm really envious of your ability to create such complex characters. I have always been one for plot and battles over characters, but it's really made your story enjoyable. My thoughts on the story so far:

(I know you've already finished the story, so most of these thoughts are probably irrelavant anyway)

1) I really like the main character (you), and appreciate the depth that the main character's family and education brings. However in some instances I feel that the transition between talking about the other aspects of the main character's life and the water war that is the main plot motivator gets rough at times. Nowhere does this seem more apparent than when you're talking about your guns. Don't get me wrong, I'm a strong proponent of the second amendment (despite being a liberal as you have probably already guessed), however it seems that the areas of the story concerning firearms are a bit forced. Perhaps a little information as to the connection between your interest in firearms and your interest in water warfare might help to smooth the reading. What I'm trying to say is that you'll be talking about one thing (usually concerning water warfare), and then immediately jump into a passage about guns. This is just a suggestion, one that you obviously don't have to take. If you want my opinion, I honestly like the fact that you have included your interest in firearms in the story, and it helps to add a lot of depth to your character. Also, lately in the story, the aforementioned transitions have been really smooth, almost imperceptible. Good work.

2) I hope that the character of Keith is developed more as the sotry goes. You have already hinted that there was more to him than met the eye, and you included some nice subtle hints earlier in the story. Lately however, his character has gotten more...understandable . I look forward to reading more about Keith in the story.

3)Uncle Max...Uncle Dan? I like the character of Uncle Max, and how he provides another post graduation career option for your characters. However, be careful how you utilize him. It's very easy to over-use these types of characters, and they are best in small doses, however you probably already know that.

4) I've really enjoyed the story so far, and am really looking forward to the large battle at the end. It will be interesting to see how you describe the battle. Bigger usually equals better.



Fantastic job so far! I wish I had the time to write more (I will once Lacrosse season is over). Unfortunately, most of my big stories (or stories that I think people would enjoy) aren't related to water warfare. This summer I'll try to either write a new story, or develop one of my many old ones. I believe that I will take a cue from Adrian and finishing writing it before I post it.


Good job and keep up the good work!

Soak On!


EDIT: Post #200! Wow, I remember when I had like 850 posts at the first WWN :laugh: Time to start posting some more....

EDIT 2: I can't seem to master the art of spelling...



Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1145819162

[Adrian]

Thanks for the comments. Point-by-point discussion follows.

1)This is the kind of criticism I like. Thanks much.

There is some explanation of Brian's mindset later in the story, as well as a description of a...catalyzing moment earlier in his life.

2)Keith isn't getting more understandable, he's blending in. He has his own agenda, and it'll conflict with Brian's in a rather bizarre manner. Strong handshakes are the very least of the things about him that don't make sense.

3)I like tortured characters in the books I read, and Uncle Max is merely there to provide Brian with an opportunity to agonize of a decision, one that will get progressively tougher for him to reach. Additionally, Max serves some purpose in the long-view of Brian's life, which I have planned out from birth to death.

4)The big battle...you ever hear of a tv show (very short lived) called Boomtown? It was about multiple ways of looking at the same crime. I do something similar. There's no artillery battles between hundreds of people if that's the "big" you're referring to, but it's big in its own right.

I look forward to seeing what you post this summer. Being the original war story master, you've got a lot of responsibility. You don't need to have something finished to post though, you just need to be really committed to finishing it. I even got sidetracked a couple of times - writing something so long can be irritating. I hope I'm up to the challenge of a 500 pager next year, when I start doing REAL fiction.

Thanks much.

Adrian

[XP20Warrior]

So far its okay, but I'm kind of lost....probably because college finals are a few days away...you'll have competition to deal with very shortly, in about a week or two. :p So be prepared...

[wetmonkey442]

Entry by Entry Review:


What I Liked
Pretty much everything. This new section is quite intriguing, and it really helps to highlight the growing relationship between the main character and Elissa. I sense a coming conflict involving the role of Elissa in the druggee free war (I know, she's not like that anymore). Although the entry was on the short side, and contained no water warfare at all, I appreciated it for what it was, a really nicely written addition to a story focused on the character in a water war, and not the water war itself.

Vertigo was well desrcibed. I'm a stickler for environmental description, and you really hit the nail on the head here. I could really imagine myself there.

What I Thought Could be Improved

Nothing much really. I noticed a few typos, not much. You might want to change the period on the end with a question mark. Also, landscaping must pay better than I thought if you can afford as much gas as it takes to drive an Avalanche as much as you do.


Great story, I can't wait for the next entry.

In fact, why don't you just e-mail me the rest, and I'll write you a full five page review on the entire thing.



Edited By wetmonkey442 on 1146413184

[Adrian]

Ah heck, I figure I'll post the next one an hour and a half early. It's got a thematic continuation of some events of the previous day, with some fighting thrown in for good measure. And...well, I'll see if y'all can spot that your own selves.

I'd really like to send you the whole thing, but...no. Wouldn't be fair. You'll just have to wait like the rest. Two Fridays from now, the whole thing kicks off. One entry a week until it's over. I estimate it'll take about seventeen weeks.

Isoaker, I'm counting on some reviews from you too!

Adrian

[wetmonkey442]

Wow, I'm stunned. I really liked the last section. That doesn't mean, I didn't think there was some areas you could have done differently, but let me state first and foremost that I loved this last section.

I must admit I'm a bit of a sucker for love incorporated into stories, and you are able to walk the razor sharp line between too much and too little with astonishing skill.

I must go now, but I'll edit in the rest later.

[Adrian]

Well, glad you liked it.

Pay attention to EVERYTHING. Phrasing. Words. Metaphors. Descriptions. Some of it means something. Remember The 6th Sense, when Haley Joe Osment is in the hospital and he says "I see dead people" and they focus on Bruce Willis's face? Yeah. It's like that. If you think you come up with anything, shoot me a PM, don't post it here. Half the fun of writing this was sticking in easter eggs and coincidences that pay off later, or could pay off if one goes back and re-reads.

Thanks.

Adrian