Assistance in Atlanta - Post story comments here.
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XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:38 pm
- Location: Parrottsville, TN
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Read over the last two posted parts. This probably won't be quite so detailed as it usually is - honestly, there's not TONS to write details about.
I think the last two sections are solid, necessary, but forgettable. Nothing really stands out to my mind. Earlier on, the sections stood out because of the car trip, the humor, and the point-blank fight. These two were necessary to write, I'm justnot getting that memorable vibe from them, sorry.
Another slight suggestion, piggybacking on my first comment, is to throw in a little more humor. Don't take the situation so seriously, UNLESS your taking a HUMAN situation seriously. Waterwarfare's fun to write about, but in the end its just a game. It's ok to want to win, to try hard, etc and so forth, but it's people that should be addressed seriously. Coming up in the week long war in my story, most of the characters (with one intended exception) sort of give themselves mental reality checks whenever they start taking things to seriously, just like I think (I HOPE) most of us do. On the other hand, there are human events they're involved in that they take VERY seriously. Maybe I'm just reading this from a different perspective, but I think you could lighten up the dialogue just a hair. Ultimately though, write what you want.
Just a few thoughts. Keep up the good work,
Adrian
I think the last two sections are solid, necessary, but forgettable. Nothing really stands out to my mind. Earlier on, the sections stood out because of the car trip, the humor, and the point-blank fight. These two were necessary to write, I'm justnot getting that memorable vibe from them, sorry.
Another slight suggestion, piggybacking on my first comment, is to throw in a little more humor. Don't take the situation so seriously, UNLESS your taking a HUMAN situation seriously. Waterwarfare's fun to write about, but in the end its just a game. It's ok to want to win, to try hard, etc and so forth, but it's people that should be addressed seriously. Coming up in the week long war in my story, most of the characters (with one intended exception) sort of give themselves mental reality checks whenever they start taking things to seriously, just like I think (I HOPE) most of us do. On the other hand, there are human events they're involved in that they take VERY seriously. Maybe I'm just reading this from a different perspective, but I think you could lighten up the dialogue just a hair. Ultimately though, write what you want.
Just a few thoughts. Keep up the good work,
Adrian
“To achieve a World Government it is necessary to remove from their minds their individualism, their loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogma.”…..Brock Adams, Director, United Nations Health Organisation.
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XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:38 pm
- Location: Parrottsville, TN
- Contact:
-
XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:38 pm
- Location: Parrottsville, TN
- Contact:
-
XP20Warrior
- Posts: 301
- Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:38 pm
- Location: Parrottsville, TN
- Contact:
Well, well, I owe a gigantic apology here again, isoaker! :p Things are easier now, and my new job helping Dr. Morgan in the physics lab gives me time now. I'll be able to play this out good, and will have more done soon. Things...haven't gone well after awhile. TTYL,
Janeil H.
Janeil H.
"Although it is a beautiful place among the stars, danger lurks in the shadows. That's what Alliance Command's for."
-Captain Ivan Reilly
IGA Intrepid
Closing Speeches After the Xidian Wars
-Captain Ivan Reilly
IGA Intrepid
Closing Speeches After the Xidian Wars
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